Fear.

Some people fear the dark.
Some fear dying.
Some fear spiders.

well I don't fear these things...I'm FEARLESS!
jk. well, in all seriousness, I think I'm afraid of not being happy with who I am, or what I"m doing, and wanting to start over when I'm waist deep in life.

But we'll talk about that some other time.
I had this talk over dinner with my friend Marcus the other night.
About fears, what we fear when I joked about being fearless.
He asked if I was afraid of being unsuccessful....
and I couldn't answer with yes or no, but with a question.
"Well, I guess it depends on how you define success, and what it really means to you. So what is success?"

and for that, he had no answer.

Is success doing the things you always set out to do?
for me, no, because that's always changing.

Is success getting a lot of money?
Money doesn't equal everything in my books. not my motivation.

Is success being happy?
to me, YES. Being successful with life, with anything, is being happy with it.

So in that sense, being unsuccessful is one of my fears.

Ninja assassin.

That movie....fuckin WOW.
ass kicking, like, non stop.


it was PACKED with just...asian ass kicking and sadness, then more ass kicking and severing of body parts.

Was it good? Was it bad?
can't say...it was just an ass kicking and I felt tired after the movie...
as if I did some ass kicking myself. lol.

Beard?

So not all girls find it attractive, but back in the day....wayyy back...it was the thing to have.

so why?
why do guys have beards and girls don't.
yes, some girls do, but not normally.

anyway, why?
so like I do, I did some looking.
and i saw one answer that made some sense.
Females would mate with the hairier men because it showed increased levels of testosterone, and that's a turn on.
more testosterone=more man

so uhhh, men, get a little shaggy...girls like it...it's in the history books.....eh...kinda.
but it worked then, why not now?


So I was talking with Kevin and Zach today...and they compared it to a lion's mane. That a bear is like a lions mane, because the bigger it is, the more "man" they are....and lesser men don't have lion's manes like that.

hahaha. We have interesting conversations sometimes.

Can I get a

HELL YEAH?


tomorrow, thanksgiving.
Yesterday, got my drawing from Jose. Hung out with AMAZING boys who I don't get enough of.
Today, where the wild things are with the boys I don't get enough of.

Dude, things are looking up I think.
like, seriously, I feel as if nothing can bring me down. it's amazing.
My head is in the clouds, my heart beating...my legs working.
sounds like a perfect time for ANYTHING.

You know what

I kinda feel older today.
not so little.
despite some lady thinking I was only 14.
uhhh, yeah...it's the braces.

I realized that in a few short months, I will be able to get into REAL trouble.
fun. Makes me feel dangerous. Edgy. "I cannn break the law, and END UP IN JAIL, but I'll choose to have freedom...but i COULD go to jail if I want"

So I was thinking.
This year, went by SO fast. I feel like yesterday I was at Samantha's house, wondering why nico jumped in the pool in January/December. But it feels good for it to have gone by so fast. I like it. I really feel like I"m going somewhere, even if I've decided to probably just stay home forever.
I"m really not ready to go out anywhere. Not ready at all. But who knows, that doesn't have to stop me.

So I think that I'm very grown up lately. Matured. Kinda, just older. I feel I'm ready for things I didn't think i was ready for before. I think that I learned so pretty sick lessons this year. I think I found a ME that's worth while, despite my down times here and there.

I like being nice. It's just me, and no matter how many times I get put down for it, I know someday, it'll be worth while. And if it's not, I'll still be satisfied being who I wanted to be, because it IS me and what I"m about.

I've come to realize that I don't really pick the best guys. And I know this. I don't know what I'm going to do about this, but realizing it is the first step. Sure, I'm young, how do I expect to pick someone to last forever with. The thing is, I don't, but I'm still picking some pretty dumb choices.

I know I like to be different every once in a while. Do something new. be someone different. I like variety. So, with that in mind, I will embrace the opportunities that come my way, and roll with it. I'll make all the decisions I want to make, and not make the ones I don't want to. I don't do things for others, I do for myself and what i think will benefit me in the best way. Yes, it sounds selfish, but how am I going to make others happy if I can't make myself.

I'm pretty awesome. I say I'm lame, but there is no way that I could be way lame if I have all these great people in my life. It's just not possible. So I'm doing something right...and I don't know what it is, but I think that's my favorite part. Figuring it out would be useless, because it would just go to my head.

I have some amazing people in my life. Really.

I like a lot of indie sad music. And I never put them on my myspace because I'm afraid people would think this is how I really felt, but in actuality, the songs express how I think I should feel. Kinda weird. I don't get too sad, and when I do, it's normally only for a few days at most. Yeah, I go through my funks, but uh...it's no big thing for me. doesn't bother me.


Hey, this year isn't quite over....let's do stuff.

Because I'm a creeper

and myspace lurking is what I do when I'm bored,
I've come to realize something that I totally CALLED in this very blog site was CORRECT!

I'm not going to say what it is, because it'll make me sound even creepier,
but i was right, and can I say it just makes me laugh.
Amusing.
This is probably when being more insecure would help out in my case.
asking questions.
But me, being chill, didn't ask questions....
didn't care about the obvious smiles and flirtatious waves.
What makes me laugh is it happened, with me RIGHT THERE, and that's it.

Amazing how I can just see through it, but do nothing about it. Well you see, I am just TOO CHILL for that. I'm TOO lucky for that. I'm TOO fortunate for life to just fall into place.

This puzzle, well, I don't know what's going to come of it, but can I just say tooolbag much?

I never knew how lucky I truly was until just now.
I'm so thankful for life, and it's way of working out.
I thought I was getting the short end of the stick, but not now.
Today=the start.

My Selling point.

So my best friend Hep and I had a conversation today.
Why we are faced with the decisions we are faced with, or in my case, WAS faced with.


So I started questioning what my selling point is.
I mean, the guys that like me all have nothing in common with each other.
And I don't think I do a real good job trying to get them to like me.
they just do. for no reason really, or so I think.
So what is it?
What do I do that makes me "different" or whatever?
what is it that I do that makes me liked?
My mom said it's because I'm chill, and joke around, and not serious.
i think i'm a pretty serious person most of the time.
and as for joking around, I"m rarely funny, and I mostly just say off the wall things that make the other person out of words. so I don't know how that would good for anyone, putting them in odd positions, and not knowing what to say of how to answer my questions.

They can't say it's my looks, they can't be that superficial.
They can't say it's my charm, because I don't have that.
Can't say it's because I'm amazing, because there's more behind that.

WHAT IS IT?
I can only wonder what makes me so "different" as they say.
Because that's probably one of the most generic answers I've ever heard.
Different isn't always good either.
So I don't see what's so good about me...because to me, I'm just there, average, simple.
I don't try, and know i"m nothing to brag about.
Someday, I hope to be though.

Get NEW!

when you feel there's nothing left, rejoice, take another step, take another breath, and loosen your grip. Holding on to nothing gets in the way of everything. This advice comes from a beaten soul. Why would you listen? Because even though I've been battered, bruised, impaled with bad intentions, I can relate. I've been there, done that, and I'm fine with it. Of course, I'm bitter, and may have bias opinions, but I'm living proof, you can lose all that you thought made you, and rebuild; from the ground up, from the rubble and ash that once composed you, you can start over. Make yourself more durable, sturdy, more personalized, and perhaps better than before. I'm not saying you'll get it the first try, or the second try, but when you get it right, all the debris around you, the garbage that once made you THINK your life was complete will be refreshing to look at. You'll know that it is NOT your life now, and didn't become your life. You'll soon be thankful for those lessons, those heart aches, those bumps and scrapes, everything that brought you to the realization your at now. Self evaluation should be often. Doubt should be natural and frequent. Being sure isn't something to be relying on. We are or we aren't living.

When things end, when I know there isn't anything left to save, when it's done-ski, I know I'll be sad, but I also know i'll be thrilled for the next big thing to enter. I get this high when I feel things just fall into place and work, just happen, just are. They become facts, it's just true.

Currently, I"m waiting for things to just happen. I know they will. it's the inevitable, because it's not possible for NOTHING to happen for the rest of my life. There will be new scars, but there will be new friends, there will be new memories, new elements, and that's what I live for, the NEW. But what I live for more, is to be someone's NEW.

done.

no more bad thoughts. I'm good.
honestly, i feel much better. One day of down time, and i'm good.
almost a week of pondering, figuring, contemplating, but i'm okay with everything now.
And can I just say, it feels soooo good. I feel like I've gotten a piece of me back.
I'm not whole, I'll admit, but not for this reason.
When I become complete, I'll let you know.


ANYWAY


Heyy, so thanksgiving, NEXT WEEK!
I really can't wait. It's by far my favorite celebration of the year.
NO, not because I"m racist, and think giving the Native American's small pox infected blankets and raping them is a good idea, because that's not what I'm about.
I like the food, duhhhh.
So uhhh, my thoughts on the best food.
Lumpy mashed potatoes with home made gravy of course.
nothing tops this.
Grandma Kathy, who might I add is one of the most bomb cooks I've ever known, is having it at her house, and if that wasn't enough, i know grandma Micky and Grandpa Bill will have thanksgiving on saturday or sunday. Then, AUNT CHRISTINA! And this weekend, saturday, I'm going to Aunt Marcy's to visit them. I"m convinced it'll all be grand.
dude, i'm soooooo ready to eat.

And when there's no where else to turn

I go to sad songs.


weird, how I love to listen to sad songs.
and sing them.

Since I have all of next week off, I'm thinking I should paint my room, for funzies.
and perhaps watch a few movies.
hmmm. And sleep and read.

more than not, I think i should keep myself busy.
Definitely going black friday shopping.

I need a something.
I need new.
I need to leave behind my old ways.
my worries.
I need to have fun, for once.
And I think it's going to be a challenge, but I think I can do it.
I just need to think of things differently.
it'll be fine, I know it. It's going to happen for me.
nothing can stop me. I'm convinced.

PS>Esaies, I pretty much love everything about him. He's awesome. Without him, I'd feel empty. So I definitely need to be with him more.
in the mean time, more sad songs.

How I feel today.

I feel down.
and I mean, like, DOWN.


I need a pick me up.
But Really, I need a sign.
Tell me which direction to go. Where to stick my size 7 foot next.

I'm so confused as to what to do about EVERYTHING lately
and so many roadblocks have just put themselves in my way.


I just want everything to be right.
to happen. The way it's suppose to happen.


I believe in simplicity, and as the days pass, I get farther and farther from that concept.
I know what's good for me. and what I should do. But I don't want to fall into routine.
I don't want to be ordinary, or play by all the rules.
I'm kinda a rebel. And yeah, it may get me into trouble, and not make sense, but it's what makes me feel like i'm actually getting somewhere.
Playing by the rules never really gave me too much of a thrill.
I need a thrill. A high. And perhaps a few thermals because the weather is getting super cold.

=D
Hey, November, you SUCK!
I"m just saying, October is normally my month of sucking, and right now, I'm thinking that October had way more kick ass points than November has. It's not over yet, so i'm hoping something GOOD, GREAT, BITCHIN' will happen, and make me forget the sucking that has been so far.

So I hate it when

I feel like the words I just said

get spit back out at me.

I'm thinking maybe I should get a different blog for my more psrsonal thoughts. or stop doing this and switch back to journal.

actually, I think that does sound better.

Point break

well, not as effective as other workshops I've been to.
However, it really just opens my eyes.


there are so many broke people out there, who don't know their true worth to the rest of the world.
well, i love you.

I just want to fix everyone....
make it better.

Well....matt's out.

doesn't want to wait anymore.


understandable.
ouch.


Well, I told him not to leave.
and failed to sway him.
NEVER have I asked someone not to leave.
It hurts my pride I think, and makes me look weak.
totally out of character for me. I'm much to proud to say those kinda things, but that's what I did, and don't know why, because who would want someone to come back if they wanted to leave anyway? I mean, that's not healthy, won't be healthy, and never will be healthy.


I didn't cry about this, which I guess means it's not too bad.
but I can't say I don't feel dumb about it all.
I actually feel quite relieved about it though. And I don't know why.
Goooodbye stress? hopefully.

fine....DON'T TEXT ME BACK

=/
it's simple. I feel terrible.
it's tearing me up inside.
I don't want to be pushy, but I don't want to be IGNORED.


well, in any case, this is not fun.
even if this is for the best, i still HATE feeling rejected by people.
I just wish everyone accepted me, and wanted me to be in their lives.

add another name to the list.

I just don't understand why things have to be so complicated.
and why ANOTHER GUY tries to come into the mix.
knowing what's going on.
and promising me this and that.



yucky.
can I stop being such a flippin weirdo.
What is it that I do that makes me desirable sometimes?
And I say sometimes because I either have more than one boy liking me, or none.


sick man.
Can I just say, i'm flippin EXHAUSTED from everything.
i neeeeeeed a vacation.
rest.


cheer today...welll, let's just say I don't like having it two days in a row in the cold. it's toooooo much.


duuuuude, fml.
Oh, and uhhhh, I believe Matt is mad at me. Perhaps he read this. hahahaha.
oh man, he really needs to get over himself sometimes.

To show you the different between the two.

Oh hi.
Uhhh, so where do I start.
These past probably, three or so weeks, i've been tired, stressed.
Okay, so I'll tell you what's up, because I'm convinced hardly anyone reads this anyway. Except Mixy every once in a while. THANK YOU! lol.

Guy number one. Matt. Oh buddy. Well, he is that football player, that comes off like a d-bag. He's a junior, real tall, and pretty into me. The things I like about the idea of being with him is:

• He goes to my school. I see him there a pretty good amount. It's nice, and I like it because if we don't see each other after school, I still get to see him.
• Things seem so effortless with him, natural. He's like "hey, let's hang out for an hour of two" and I say okay, we hang out, and I go home, and things are cool. I feel like i don't even have to try at all to make things work, they just do.
• He already treats me like his girlfriend. We're pretty much like a couple, in every way just about. It feels good.
• Something really draws me to him, and I don't know what it is, but it's there. It's strange.
  

• He's convenient. Picks me up. Works around my schedule. Knows how to chill without over doing it. He's just there. Just a text away from a conversation.
• I know it would be work on both parts of this relationship, but I feel it would be kinda equal work. We're honest with each other about what's going on in our lives. I feel super comfortable with him.
  

The BAD

• He seems like a total DOUCHE BAG. He's into himself. Total jock really. and sometimes I feel he's insincere with some of his words.
  
• He asks me to go out places, like ice cream of food or starbucks, and of course I say yes, and he makes ME PAY. And not just for myself, because that would be no problem, but he asks me, then has me pay for everything by asking right before he orders "you got me, right?" Yeah, it's wrong. But what am I suppose to say, no? because It would be rude to eat in front of him and not get him anything. I've talked to him about it, and he still continues to do it, and I told him it's a sensitive subject for me, and doesn't seem to phase him.
• Something inside me says to be scared of him. The possibility of a relationship. Like, this guy has the possiblity to really mess up my life. He and I hang out just about everyday, and honestly, if he was just to up and leave me, I would have nothing. My friends are gone, and the ones that aren't have lives. I need him to be reliable, and be there for me because I feel he's all I got.
  
• he's putting my wallet through stress. Seriously. I'm not very stingy with my money, but I don't have the money to be taking him out three to four times a week.

Then there's Jose. Total sweetheart, he's in Hector's band, adorable, and just all around awesome. It's weird how we met, but it happened, and now we're here. For a while, Jose was the only guy I wanted to date. I solidly adored this guy, and really couldn't wait for us to ACTUALLY be official. To spend more time together, all that good stuff, yanno?

the good

• Jose and I are like THE SAME PERSON. We listen to a lot of the same music. Dress kinda similar. Have the same view on most things, all things if I can recall correctly. We are pretty much the same, and that's cool.
• The biggest sweetheart you'll ever meet. He's always asking about my day, telling me how much he adores me, he's there to listen to my problems, just a real good guy. I would be crazy not to admire this about him.
• I have zero doubt that he wouldn't leave me for a stupid reason. I have a feeling that he would be here to stay, and that's real reasuring.
• I really don't see Jose and I getting in a fight, like, ever. He's real understanding. He would care if I wanted to chill with my best friends from out of town instead of him every once in a while. I just can't even imagine what we would fight about.
  
• He's super respectful and real chivalrous. Like, offers to pay for stuff, cross you across the street, gentleman status. it's great.
  

The bad

• Jose and I established that we wanted to date, and that we were interested in each other about three months ago. and ummm, nothing really happened. We hung out a few times, and there was a brief holding of hands when we crossed the street, but that's about it. I felt like all the things he said were good, but when we would be together, he really only wanted to be friends.
• This relationship is super safe. I know he likes me, and I know I could be content. But I have a feeling that I wouldn't feel like things were exciting, or new, or anything like that. I would feel stuck, even though I wouldn't really be. There's nothing wrong with safe, but just knowing him to be around isn't really enough for me.
• This relationship seems like a lot of work on my part. I know all relationships require work, but I feel this one would be a little bit more one sided, my side. it's been this long, and he hasn't really showed me much of him liking me. So I would have to be the aggressor, which isn't my thing. I would also always have to be the ride, probably the decision maker for everything, while trying not to feel stressed about doing so much work.
• He only sped things up when I told him that Matt tried to charm me away from him, and that is was starting to work. He asked me to be his girlfriend a few days after I told him, and then started to ask about making plans and stuff. I kinda feel like the only reason he did this is because there was someone else, not really because he wanted to. Insincere.
  
• I've been SO frustrated in just wanting him to sweep me off my feet, and just make me all his, and him all mine. Like, i waited a long time, and now it just frustrates me to think about all that time that went by, with nothing really happening.
• Jose and I only see each other like, once every two weeks. He goes to EU, and has other obligations. Yeah, I do too, but I still feel more available than i think he is.
• Sometimes, I feel he says the things I want to hear, because we don't really disagree on anything. What if he really doesn't see things the way I do, and just says he does to "get on my good side."
  

Decision MADE (kinda)

So I know what I must do.


and it may make no sense to anyone else.
In fact, when I think about it, it may not make any sense at all.
I could very well be regretting my actions.
However, I think it's probably the best option.


I literally think I'm messing up.
but I keep thinking that it's going to be okay.
I know a week from not, I'm probably going to say, "dude, I wish I wouldn't have been so irrational" but here I am, still planning on it being my next move.


can I just say, I'm weird. My thought process isn't right. My wants don't match up with logic, or anything really. I'm thinking this will get quite interesting.

UPDATE

Cheerleading.
Yesss, it's happening still.
Football season is actually almost over, AMAZINGLY.
So, I had a conversation with my swim coach(Mrs. Silva/Ruble), pretty much one of my favorite people EVER, and she was asking me if I still fight the good fight. Of course my answer is yes, but lunchbag chimes in, and tells her that I have conformed A LITTLE.
Now, I wouldn't really call it conforming, more of, being cliche.
So here it is, how I'm being a cliche, sterotypical cheerleader.
FOOTBALL PLAYER.
Okay, so I'm kinda interested, and he's really interested.
This are, confusing to say the least. I, the girl who was known as the girl who does this *swings arms around in poor conducting imitation*, now am a cheerleader.
I wish I could say it didn't change my status, and maybe it's wrong of me to say this, but I think it has. I don't think this guy would talk to me if He didn't see me parade around in my little uniform. I would have never caught his eye, sparked any interest, or even know my name. This may be incorrect, but this is how I feel.
So interested you may ask? why?
Well, I don't know really. Here I am, like "nahhhh, not the guy for me" and originally I really thought he only asked me to the movies because he wanted a free one, and I'm the one that could hook it up...he claims this wasn't the case. Sooooo, I don't know what it is about him that makes me interested. I mean, we're totally different. Different taste in everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I don't know why, but when we chill, it just comes so natural. effortless. Nothing is trying, or rought, it's no work. Sure, we already got into a disagreement, but everything just seems so realistic, and it's relaxing. So why am I NOT his girlfriend. Heyyy, good question.

He's asked me. More than once. He's sincere I think. I don't know what the hold up is, and my mom that I shouldn't torcher him, because I already feeeel we're a couple really. If I was to leave him, I'm pretty sure he'd be mad. What I DO know i'm waiting for is for something to fall through, sadly. Yeah, I know, I'm sick. lol. Also, I'm waiting to be proved wrong.

Into the life of a Cheerleader....AWESOME. it's a lot of long practices, fun dances, and so far really putting STRESS in my life.

"I'm nothing like I'd like to be"

Today, after I was so sure, so definite, I no longer am.

Today, after much thinking, and figuring who I am REALLY, I just proved to myself I am not that person.

I need to find something to discover myself with. Something that defines me.
I don't know what that will be.
I'm hoping to feel better, because I'm feeling real down about EVERYTHING right now.


thanks dude.

It consumes my mind lately.

the saying from little miss sunshine, which is a pretty good movie.
"do what you love, and fuck the rest"


I really think i should live by this, kinda.
Because I know my actions would make sense to me, but i don't think they would to anyone else.


I'm thinking I should though.....
because it goes back to the "fuck the rest" part.


I'm sooooo done with being stuck. I'm soooo done with everything.