"Hey Anna, where have you been?"

-Oh you know, having fun. Sorry, i've just been busy.
"Busy with what, if you don't mind?"
-Well, having fun, doing fun things, being alive finding things to write about.
"awesome"
-yes, awesome.

I wish this is how the conversation between me and my blog went....
in reality, this was it.

"Hey Anna, where have you been?"
-sick
"Really? With what?
-The flu, and on top of that, work
"hope you feel better"
-Yeah, me too.


Awe fiddlesticks.
flu=1, Anna=-7

abort abort abort.

creeeeeeeped.

One of those moments...

when I just look back and ask myself...
"what the hell was I thinking?"


Right now I'm looking at two things.
why did I even bother?
and
Why didn't I just do it?


well, life is weird, and I do the things I shouldn't, and don't do the things I should.

i'm hoping next year will be spent pursuing more of the things that I know I should, and less of the things that I know I shouldn't.

as for right now though...
What the hell was I thinking with THAT guy?
he's not even cute or cool or really interesting to me.
wow, how lame.

If I died tonight.

I would be satisfied. I don't know one thing I could do today to offset any of the decisions I have made. I've said my sorrys, my I love yous, stated my opinion, and given my time to people I really love. If I was to die, right this minute, or at midnight tonight, I wouldn't be too disappointed in all that I've done, and all that I haven't done.

One think I've learned to accept, but wished was different is the lack of closeness I have with my dad. Growing up, I freared him, and I think it's simply because I didn't know him, but what I did know was that he had so much rule and control over my life. He was home, but never really home, not around my family at least. He had his own family in the garage, his friends, and they were often picked over us. What I saw of him was yelling, lethery hand spankings, and smoking. I don't understand why he chose, or still chooses them over us. Us as in the children whom he willingly created and wanted to bring into the world. Why would he want to miss out on his children growing up, on our lives, on our plays, recitles, our big moments? I know I make him nervous, and I think he may have a serious anxiety problem, but I don't know how hanging out with his friend in the garage makes that problem any better, or mends his lost time with us.

So I guess what question I would really like to know, something that would put me kinda at ease when I die is if he wished he would have done anything different, or be proud of what he's done and the time he spent with me. I accept that he wasn't there, and he isn't here for me now. But even if I didn't accept it, I don't think there would be anything he could do at this point in time to make up for all that has happened, and all that hasn't.

This is something I wrote in Creative writing as my final.
It was followed with a letter I wrote to my Father.
My eyes were filled to the brirm with tears, trying to flow over.
I just think that it was about time I wrote that letter, and I'm not finished with it yet.
However, that is much too personal to share at this time.

17,

Yeah, I know i just wrote a blog about hurrying to find someone.
but this contradicts that.

I'm 17, and that's super young.
Why am I soooo concerned with not dating someone because it might not work out.
REALLY? Okay, I'm 17, this should be about fun, and stuff like that.
I really should just go for it. Because although I think he's pretty alright, and his family too, I shouldn't be so afraid with making life happen. I think that I should just do whatever, because I'm only 17, and that's totally not a serious age at all.
I don't know why I get so concerned sometimes...it's really all for nothing.


"there's no point in trying to take ourselves so seriously"
-Flowers for my brain Dear and the Headlights

Babies.

So yesterday, I was talking with Zach and Kevin about stuff.
and I though of my life like this...
In 10 years, I'll be nearing 28.
By 28, I'll probably be married, have a baby, and one on the way.

When you think about it, yeah, it makes sense, right before you're 30 you're life is finally settled and you have things figured, but wait, 10 years doesn't seem like a lot of time.
In ten years, I have to find someone, fall in love, get proposed to, or propose, get married, go on a honeymoon, get a stable living quarters, and have children all while having a job and buying minivans and stuff.

Wow, I don't know if you think about it, but I don't think 10 years is a lot of time, and I really think that this may be a little out of reach for me. 10 years.

But you know, at the same time, everything normally happens soooo quick, I'm not going to be surprised if I'm writing a blog ten years from now, talking about all the things I've accomplished, and all the things that seem out of reach 10 years from then, when i'm 38, nearing 40.

I feel like I should find someone, I feel a little rushed.

burn it.

So I have these items, and I don't know if I talked about them before, but they're items I felt like I NEEDED to burn. I needed to be done with it, so around summer, I decided to burn it, but didn't have the means to...
Well, last night, Zach, Kevin, and I went to Kevin's house and had a fire, and we burned those items. A weird beanie baby, some string, and a box that contained them.

I feel better, and I don't have to look at them anymore.
They once belonged to a friend of mine, who promised to return for them, but never did, and I'm convinced never will. I do wish for him to come back though, because that would be nice. Maybe I burned it too soon, but I don't think so. He's not coming back, and I needed to deal with it, so I BURNED what I had left to remind me of it.

I suggest you burn all the things you are hung up on....
I'm telling you, it feels relieving and does a person good.

****NOTE: This was not nico stuff. This was not an ex-boyfriend stuff. It was just stuff.

Hey, if this is your stuff, and you know who you are because it was such a weird collection of items, you no longer have any incentive to come back. Why did I burn it? Because I don't want to hold onto memories of things that make me feel forgotten.