Fuuuuunkkayyy.

I definitely don't know what kinda girl I am. I'm not a cute girl, i'm not a "ghetto" girl, I'm not a preppy girl, i'm not a creeper girl. I dont' know what girl I am. I do know I"m a girl, and I do know that i'm not really one sided. I'm a little bit of everything i think, and as cliche as that sounds, I really believe it. I'm into different things like dancing, and tuba, and swimming, and reading, and writing, and myspacing, ice skating, flying kites, everything.

This makes everything make sense to me. I have different kinds of friends or people I like to talk to, I don't really have a certain type of boy, i'm no one's ideal girl because I'm so blahhh, I enjoy everything and everyone, and I'm pretty much down for whatever.

I don't know why I feel so different, so un-categorical, and so cool in my own way. I'm unpredictable, and I never know how I'm going to be in another month.

I just got back from playing frisbee in parking lots and had the best time EVER! I really hope that someday, I feel a little bit more normal, but I think that If I don't, i'll be okay with it, because right now I'm doing just fine.

I don't think I make sense at all. I'm a constant contradiction, I'm the jumbo shrimp of the crowd. What I do, who I chill with, who I date, well, none of that makes a lot of sense, and sometimes I get anxiety about it. I think someday, it'll all catch up, and I'll realize that everything that I've done makes no sense, and I shouldn't be with the people I'm with. I think it'll catch up with me, but i sure hope not. I like having people DIFFERENT than me in my life, and I like trying to figure things out, and seeing how everything plays out.

The only thing that I think ever makes or has ever made sense is Esaies and I. We are the same, and I don't know how, but we are, and it's awesome. WE"RE AWESOME. I'm so thankful for a friend like him. He makes everything so much better ALWAYS. I want us to be friends FOR-EV-ER!

Other than that, I'm just funky. I always have been, and probably always will be. It's not always a good feeling, but most of the time yes. I'm comfortable with the funk.

Change.

I've been really thinking a lot about change, and my changes, and other people's changes, and about everything changing. But I've mostly thought of the reasons we change, well, more of pondered them. I don't know why some people change into the people they, and I really don't know why I change into the people I become.

I've taken a year long journey of becoming a cheerleader. I did it, and everyone said it would change me, and I would be stupid to say it didn't. Yes, I did have my brief cliche time where I was being soooo typical in people's eyes. I did not base my actions because I was a cheerleader, but do think I was placed into the situation because of my "status." I almost because the girlfriend of a football player, one that never played, but on the team none the less. But I didn't want to be with him because I thought it would be "cute" or "cool" or what have you, but because I genuinely liked the idea of us being together, just as people, not as cheerleader and football player. But cheer did change me. I can now talk to girls easier, i learned about female companionship, and i learned that I really enjoy being in front of crowds. I think as a person, in general, I am the same person. I still like pokemon, i'm still kind to others, i still eat ice cream for breakfast.

but change, it's so inevitable. I want to know why people do what they do now, opposed to what they use to do. How they view life now compared to before. I want to know what changed them.

i'm sad

real sad.
Just because I feel I have no life left in me.
Cheer sucked it out. Tuba sucked it out. School sucked it out. Work sucked it out. Not sleeping sucked it out. As of right now, I'm just sooooooooo done with everything. I went to the store with my mom, and I couldn't even tell her what kinda foods I want to eat, because I'm so whatever about everything.
Seriously, i want to live.
Swimming starts on Wednesday, and cheer has about another week and a half left.
awesome. On top of that, I think i've been sick since Christmas, and won't get better until May probably. My life is so full right now.



SAVE ME!

breaking out.

and not in a good way.
I don't think I've had this many pimples in my life.

I'm so busy all the time. I get next to no free time ever. So that means no reading, no blogs, no sleep. I live to just relax, and I can't get there. It's terrible, and it sucks really bad. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm beyond tired, and I can't seem to get enough sleep ever, or even find the time to sleep.

I'm deprived of my blogging. It's making me saddd, because I had good ideas this week, and no time to write about it. I don't even know if I can do it now. it's soooooo ridiculous.

but heyyyy, swimming starts in one week. I know it sounds silly, but I'll have more of a life then than I do now. Right now, it's just practice, games, tuba, work, and boyfriend. But I'll know i"ll be done with swimming every day at 5, which means I can go home to shower and stuff and be relaxed by 6 or 6:30. I'm SO excited to have more of a life. Man oh man, i can't wait.