whole.

I'm happy. I really am.

I don't know how, but I just am.
I'm thankful for everything, and I mean everything.
I never feel like I'm making a mistake.
maybe it's because I don't care enough, or maybe I'm just embracing life.


I feel a little more grown up, ready to take on the world.
I know I'll never be completely ready for it, but I know i'm closer right now.
I feel as though nothing can bring me down.
I'm just awesome.

it looks like

His predictions and prophecies are all turning true.

all though his parting words were harsh, crushing, discouraging...
they're all turning out to be pretty true.
He called it, as much as I hate to admit it, but he did.
every last word.

I believed with everything that he was just being a d-bag
but infact, he was just being honest.


i have come to terms with his statement now,
but it makes me the more unhappy then I've been since he said it.


Anna Preston....YOU SUCK!

eeeeekkkkkk.

I can't express how good it feels when someone just gets what you're saying.

Updates in my life...
I turned 18.
Marcus and I have been together for like, 2 and a half months.
I am still terribly sick.
I hate everything most days.
tan lines are progressing past the point of return right now.
it's spring break.


I'm sort of at a point where I just question what the point of my actions are.
Why I'm doing it, and what I am really getting out of it.
How will this benefit me or anyone else
and Am I proud of my decision, and why does it make me proud.


I think I should really ask myself these questions.

I don't know how anything I'm doing is benefitting me in any way right now.
I want to quit swimming super super super bad.
I want to pick up and start a new life.
But I want some things to be the same.
I think i'm kinda awesome most of the time, and I don't want to lose that.

03-24-10

here I am.
one XL Slurpee
ice cream with Hepp
Thinking time
and calm, depressing, soft indie

my day where I just embraced it all.


I wish I cared more.
About myself, about people around me, about getting and giving respect.

Today left me kinda discouraged. I feel like I don't know what's going on, when I should. I feel like I don't give myself enough credit. I need a slap in the face I think.

Dude, fml.

It's hard to see what's 2 feet in front of me. It's hard to see what's 1 week ahead of me. All I'm saying is maybe I need some more reassurance....some hard core facts. I need more than words I think, I need actions, and I don't know what actions would fix how stuck I feel right now, how out of place, how BLAHHHHH!.

I can't welcome change any more than right now.

FREAK!

For a while, I had like, a melt down. I didn't know what I was doing anymore, because I was soooooo worried about making sense, and doing what I know I should do, and not knowing what I want to do. But then I was like "HEY! NO!"

What I forget sometimes is that there is no such thing as forever.
Nothing is really all that final, unless you're dead.
I have a lot of time ahead of me, with no need to rush.

I can change my mind pretty much at any time in my life.
If i'm not happy, then I can do something different, and try to be happy.
I feel so stuck sometimes, when there is nothing to feel stuck about.
So I'm done with feeling stuck, done, and confused.
I"m just going to remember, if something doesn't make me happy anymore, I can do something different, and try to be happy.


Ahhhhh! what a relief.
sometimes I get too silly.

So marcus.

My boyfriend, yes, I have a boyfriend if I haven't written that already, is pretty alright if you ask me.

He and I, well, I don't think we share much or any common ground, but I'm over that. It may not make sense that he's with me, but I like it, because it's different.
I'm sick of trying to make things make sense. Right now, I just want things to be, simply like that, I want things to just happen, and that's what I'm doing right now. I'm not thinking about long term, I'm not thinking about falling in love, or finding "the one", I"m just letting life take me, and do whatever it wants with me. No more fighting for what I think would be best for me, just doing.

I genuinely like marcus, don't get me wrong, but I am aware that our relation makes little sense. It's been a little over 2 months, and I'm happy. He makes me pretty happy. I no longer feel like a lifeless zombie.

Fuuuuunkkayyy.

I definitely don't know what kinda girl I am. I'm not a cute girl, i'm not a "ghetto" girl, I'm not a preppy girl, i'm not a creeper girl. I dont' know what girl I am. I do know I"m a girl, and I do know that i'm not really one sided. I'm a little bit of everything i think, and as cliche as that sounds, I really believe it. I'm into different things like dancing, and tuba, and swimming, and reading, and writing, and myspacing, ice skating, flying kites, everything.

This makes everything make sense to me. I have different kinds of friends or people I like to talk to, I don't really have a certain type of boy, i'm no one's ideal girl because I'm so blahhh, I enjoy everything and everyone, and I'm pretty much down for whatever.

I don't know why I feel so different, so un-categorical, and so cool in my own way. I'm unpredictable, and I never know how I'm going to be in another month.

I just got back from playing frisbee in parking lots and had the best time EVER! I really hope that someday, I feel a little bit more normal, but I think that If I don't, i'll be okay with it, because right now I'm doing just fine.

I don't think I make sense at all. I'm a constant contradiction, I'm the jumbo shrimp of the crowd. What I do, who I chill with, who I date, well, none of that makes a lot of sense, and sometimes I get anxiety about it. I think someday, it'll all catch up, and I'll realize that everything that I've done makes no sense, and I shouldn't be with the people I'm with. I think it'll catch up with me, but i sure hope not. I like having people DIFFERENT than me in my life, and I like trying to figure things out, and seeing how everything plays out.

The only thing that I think ever makes or has ever made sense is Esaies and I. We are the same, and I don't know how, but we are, and it's awesome. WE"RE AWESOME. I'm so thankful for a friend like him. He makes everything so much better ALWAYS. I want us to be friends FOR-EV-ER!

Other than that, I'm just funky. I always have been, and probably always will be. It's not always a good feeling, but most of the time yes. I'm comfortable with the funk.