the next chapter

Reguardless of how we got there, we're trying again. The nest chapter started in September, the 14th, but we claim the 12th. We have our history, and like always, i'm really trying to work past it, but so is he. There are times that we laugh, times when tears still fall from my eyes, but i love him just the same, and my heart's been damaged, a few times too much, however some how I picked up, and I'm doing just fine.

We still talk of the events, the complications that followed, the things we'll only share, but now talked about with emotions more hollowed. Because we still struggle and reach to what can be grasped, but this time we're more careful, more equipped for the task. And even though it's been anything but easy, not anything worth bragging about, we're still trekking on. And maybe sometimes we may ask why we do it, why we're willing to go to such lengths, and sometimes it may not be always answered, but sometimes it is answered, and i'm sure our answers are very different, but we're here, so they must have some worth.

The truth is, if our path laid ahead of us is long, if we remain together even through this, then we'll know it wasn't all for nothing. Because this chapter, perhaps our hardest, the make it or break it chapter, this is where we are. We will have good days, like we consistently had before, and we'll have bad days, something new and unlike we've ever dealt with. You may get asked why you're with a "nerd," "band geek" or whatever social stigmas i may carry with me, and i might get asked why I stay with someone who did the unimaginable, but as long as we're not too embarrassed about these things, these things that may raise eyebrows and confuse us and others, then we'll be in pretty alright shape. My heart, as always, is still for you, and I know you know that, because I've proved it time and time again.

Our story still continues, despite everything, including my predictions, and I'm willing to stick around for the next chapter, to write out our next chapter, provided you are too.

Marcus Gonzales, I love you, and I don't know what else to say, and I don't know how else to feel. Every day of your life, i hope you haven't even the slightest doubt in your mind, because I know I don't. this IS life for me, and I can't say I didn't pick it.

I'm gonna make this!

http://sandyfroglegs.blogspot.com/2008/06/free-mans-hat-pattern.html

para Marcus.

And here we are...

school has started.

I want my face in the books.
I want my life back.
I want to make friends.

I keep talking over with myself, why do I try so hard for someone who hardly trys? well, although that's love on my part, maybe not on the other end.

I don't want to try to keep up, and try to stay someone's choice by doing things i don't want to do. I want to be myself, and have someone adore that. I want to feel that maybe what I need is a good friend. I want that for myself. I just need someone dependable, who will love me, and and respect me, and we'll be golden. I promise, I'm a good friend.

Summer '10

And it seems like nothing will ever just be nice to me.
I'll be nothing short of awesome, and that essentially gets me no where, other than on good terms with myself. But maybe that's what I should be working for. I should be working towards doing good things for myself.

This summer, this past relationship, i've learned a few things. One of the most important being that I can be beyond amazing to someone, give them everything I have to offer, but that will never be an affective way to sway someone. Because the truth is, if I feel I have to do that to keep someone around, if I feel they don't like me enough on my own, without me dishing out everything, then no amount of spoiling will make a difference. It's just not how that works. At the end of the day, if another person doesn't want to be with me, and only me, then they won't be. They will cheat if they want, to get a quick fix, they will flirt and tease other girls, they will not give you their all. That's all very discouraging, yes, but I don't think I would want anyone else to sugar coat this for me; It's simply fact weather i want it to work that way or not.

Another lesson, well, people don't care. And the people who don't care about you, shouldn't mean anything to you. If they know what they are doing will hurt you, and they do it anyway, well, that means they don't care. I had three, maybe more, have their actions show that they don't care about me. Well, I wish it was as simple as saying, "fuck off" but it's not, because these are all people that I care about, people that I had nothing but positive feelings for. The people who fucked my life, they were all people that I wanted around, so it's hard to just say that.

And as for myself, what I learned about myself is that I am always going to be slightly disadvantaged. My heart is so big, and so broken now, but I can never stop being who I am. Who is that? A loving, sweet, helpless, dependent, girl. I will never stop having love in my heart for people. I could have someone spit in my face, but if they are in a time of need, I would drop almost anything to help them out. I could be warned of the doucher guys, but somehow find my way into their arms. I can not be a single, and be whole. I have to have a counterpart to complete me, to bring out the best in me, and that doesn't necessarily mean a boyfriend, but a friend, just someone to be with. All these things always seem to lead me to my downfall, but you know what, someday I hope that it won't.

I don't want to be any other way than I am now. Because I will always show that I only have good intentions for everyone, and I like that. I would rather be known as a sweet heart, and do things that I know are good, and feel good about what I do, than be known as a bitch, a heart breaker, soulless, and not knowing what to feel good about. I want to know that what I do will not be looked down on. I want to be proud of my actions, always, and that's what is now important to me.

Of course, I want marcus in my life, and I begged him to take me back, and did what I felt would get him to stay with me, but will I be proud of that decision? Because I am now looked down on by so many people, and they don't understand what I do, and why I do it. Well, yes, I am proud of my decisions, because despite all of them telling me how I'll get hurt again, and how stupid I am, I know what I want to do, and nothing anyone will say will change the love I have in my heart for him. I am proud that I can do what I want, despite what people say, because I want to do it. And everything I've done shows exactly who I want to be, sweet, loving, and hopeful.

You may say he doesn't love me, and believe me, I've battled that argument in my mind, in my writing, with other people, time and time again, and maybe he doesn't, but I know that my feelings are genuine. So do I like getting kicked in the ass, in the heart, everytime i'm with him? well, the truth is, no. But for my love to still exist through the kicks in the ass, well, I think that says I'm either sick in the head, in love, or have the lowest self worth imaginable. Take it as you will.

poem. =]

I can't promise you I'll always be slender
and I can't say I'll never be under the weather
I am not definite forever.
So If there comes a time when I break the mold that was your perfect girl
If I don't come across as the prize inside the clam, a pearl
It's not the end of the world.
Because I may seem like your safest bet, but I know better than that.
But if you decide that you're not done, and I'm still allowed around,
that a love even slightly greater will not ever be found,
I will hold no treaties, but I will always try with you.
but only with you.

The end.

You always told me that story of the first time your brown eyes saw me. You recalled this meeting to every last detail in the most vivid manor; You knew what I was wearing, who I was with, and what I ordered at that empty sandwich shoppe. To me, it always sounded so unreal, because I couldn't begin to imagine that it was possible to take such flawless mental notes, and remember them, especially for a complete stranger.

You told this story so often, I could just about steal each word before your lips and tongue had time enough to form each word. But I guess I'm also partly to blame for how frequent these words were recited from your memory, because I would ask to hear this story. And during this story, my eyes would widen from amazement, my longing hands would weasel their way over to yours to interlock, and I would strategically kiss your neck, just below your jaw line, so you could tell the story without interruption.

The story always started with the sandwich shop scene. I walked in, as you recall, with a friend; I was wearing a purple shirt, my hair long, and all I ordered was a smoothie. You would tell me what you though, like how you said to yourself "I have to meet her" and "that girl is perfect", and "she's so beautiful." Then you'd go into the events that followed such as coming to my house, our brief "dating," and everything that brought us to each other. I'm convinced to anyone else, this story would fall short of all their expectations, but it filled my every last one.

That is until the day our story took a tragic turn, crash, and burn. I will always speak the story of my first love, Marcus Gonzales. It starts with your story, when you first saw me, and you telling me my fairytale, but never ending the way it could have, probably should have, something I had definite faith in. At the end of the story, my heart broke. You had given something only we were to share to three other girls. As anyone could imagine, my tears were a heavy down pour, and I wished for my eyes to experience a drought. My self worth was demolished beyond recognition, paralleling my pride. I could no longer figure out who I was, what I stood for, and where I was going. Everything lead me to no clue of what to do next, which path to choose, and even which paths were there, and how to find them.

My dearest Marcus cheated on me, Anna Preston, and it was never understood why. My love was so abundant, enough to last us both until neither of our hearts were beating, and where was it to go? He was the only one this love was intended for, the sole motivation for the creation of this feeling. So this is now my struggle, my night terror. Where will this love go if my pride, my value, my fears don't allow me to deliver this love anymore? What will I do? What will become of me? How will I live? Well, I guess that's where the next story begins.

another lie?

but a more serious one.


I feel terrible because of it.


He makes me feel like a bully now that I know the truth, and I think this could possibly be a bigger problem then I could imagine.

lying will get you no where.
It may make you think I approve, and for the moment, I may, but when I find out the truth, i have no choice but to laugh about how stupid it makes ME feel....how uncomfortable it makes me feel, how helpless.

If you can't tell me the truth, what are we doing here? that's not ideal.

a lie.

So marcus and I are talking, and this is how he starts of a statement.
"Well, if a lie would benefit our relationship..."
and leaves it at that, without finishing it.
=[


Okay, so we all know that this statement is complete shit. There is nothing nice about this. We all think about how a lie would soften a blow of something, but that's all it should be, a thought. "oh hey, wouldn't it be nice if I could just lie and say that I DIDN'T kiss that guy at that party?" and then follow that with the thought "But I can't because that's not right. He should know." That's how it should go. Doesn't everyone have a conscience? Maybe mine is just bigger than most, but i could never be alright knowing that I didn't tell someone something that was true.

I'm big on honesty. Real big on it. If you ask me a direct question, I will not weasel my way out of it. I will be honest. This does get me into trouble sometimes, but I would rather that happen then feel the sickness in my stomach from knowing I could be better. I know right from wrong, and if i"m wrong, I have no reason to hid it, because I know it's wrong.

So would I lie to benefit my relationship? Never. NEVER would I do that, because that is not how I want to live. But first off, I don't want to put myself into situation that make me want to/need to lie. I can't think of a single situation when lying would ever "benefit" any of my relationships, and I'm sure they would have to agree too. It is not a good relationship if you feel you ever have to lie to make things better.

Of course, I'm sure marcus didn't mean for it to seem this way, but I can only wonder about his logic and how he thinks. He thinks this it is okay for this to happen, and I'm going to have to disagree.

His lie was telling me he wasn't a jealous guy, then later fesses up to it. "I know I said that[I wasn't a jealous guy], but I lied." This may not seem like a big deal, but when I asked him why he did it, like you naturally ask someone when you want a TRUE answer, he said "I thought it would worry you if I said I was, so I didn't."
Ummmm, well, I'm not dumb. I can pick up on these things. I may play like I don't realize what's going on, but I do, and I don't make a big deal about it because I don't think I should make a big deal about something someone is trying to avoid. I'm not going to push it if he thinks he doesn't have to share it. But I am aware of it being there.

I hope he can be more honest, because it sucks when you deny something, and I know what's really going on anyway, meaning I know you're not being truthful. Let me tell you, it sucks.

My problem with smoking.

It's not that I care so much for your life.
It's not that I care so much for my life.
Health is not so much a reason to me, but more of my own, personal story.

My father is a habitual smoker. He smokes a pack or more a day.
He has been since before he knew any better.
when a pack was less than a dollar.

Growing up, my dad always smoked. In the car, around me, anywhere, he didn't care, he just smoked because that's what he wanted to do, and that what he did. When I was younger, I was told smoking was bad for you, and just not to do it. I didn't want something harmful to happen to my dad, so I naturally wanted him to smoke. I wanted him around. I wanted him to live to see my his grandchildren, to attend my wedding, to college graduation, and I was convinced that he would get cancer, and he would die all before he could be proud of me. I wanted nothing less than for him to be proud of me and to see me accomplish something. Well, my dad isn't dead, he doesn't think he has cancer, well, mostly because he refuses to go see a doctor because they just remind him how dangerous it is for him to be smoking at his age, and I am no longer afraid of him dying. My problem with this nasty habit is a little more, well, superficial now. It's about money. As most of you know, Marlboro's are about 5 bucks a pack, a little less I know. For the past, well, as long as I can remember, my family has struggled with bills and food and everything financial, all up until this past year.

All through out high school....I've paid for my everything. When I would get birthday money, Christmas money, anything, it was spent on clothes I needed, rationed for when I needed to eat lunch during swim season, for sports, for anything. Perhaps that is why I never really did much sports growing up. Although I am very thankful for my father, who was the only source of income for my family, I am also very resentful.

I just don't understand how the "necessity" for cigarettes is greater than feeding your family, making rent on time, giving your children opportunity. So my problem with smokers is that. I don't ever want that. I will never smoke, ever, because I do not want to. Simple as that. I would never by choice date a smoker...and probably will never want to fall in love with one.

I don't think anyone knows how much I struggle with the fact that my dad smokes, that my brother, whom I use to look up to so much, smokes, and how my boyfriend smokes. I'm concerned for their health, yes, but mostly, it just hurts me. I guess I'm more concerned with myself. This may be selfish, and I know this, but I think this is kinda a big thing.

It's actually a really big thing to me.
Too bad I don't have the balls to tell Marcus how much this really bothers me and can't possibly think of telling him this story. I'm a coward.

whole.

I'm happy. I really am.

I don't know how, but I just am.
I'm thankful for everything, and I mean everything.
I never feel like I'm making a mistake.
maybe it's because I don't care enough, or maybe I'm just embracing life.


I feel a little more grown up, ready to take on the world.
I know I'll never be completely ready for it, but I know i'm closer right now.
I feel as though nothing can bring me down.
I'm just awesome.

it looks like

His predictions and prophecies are all turning true.

all though his parting words were harsh, crushing, discouraging...
they're all turning out to be pretty true.
He called it, as much as I hate to admit it, but he did.
every last word.

I believed with everything that he was just being a d-bag
but infact, he was just being honest.


i have come to terms with his statement now,
but it makes me the more unhappy then I've been since he said it.


Anna Preston....YOU SUCK!

eeeeekkkkkk.

I can't express how good it feels when someone just gets what you're saying.

Updates in my life...
I turned 18.
Marcus and I have been together for like, 2 and a half months.
I am still terribly sick.
I hate everything most days.
tan lines are progressing past the point of return right now.
it's spring break.


I'm sort of at a point where I just question what the point of my actions are.
Why I'm doing it, and what I am really getting out of it.
How will this benefit me or anyone else
and Am I proud of my decision, and why does it make me proud.


I think I should really ask myself these questions.

I don't know how anything I'm doing is benefitting me in any way right now.
I want to quit swimming super super super bad.
I want to pick up and start a new life.
But I want some things to be the same.
I think i'm kinda awesome most of the time, and I don't want to lose that.

03-24-10

here I am.
one XL Slurpee
ice cream with Hepp
Thinking time
and calm, depressing, soft indie

my day where I just embraced it all.


I wish I cared more.
About myself, about people around me, about getting and giving respect.

Today left me kinda discouraged. I feel like I don't know what's going on, when I should. I feel like I don't give myself enough credit. I need a slap in the face I think.

Dude, fml.

It's hard to see what's 2 feet in front of me. It's hard to see what's 1 week ahead of me. All I'm saying is maybe I need some more reassurance....some hard core facts. I need more than words I think, I need actions, and I don't know what actions would fix how stuck I feel right now, how out of place, how BLAHHHHH!.

I can't welcome change any more than right now.

FREAK!

For a while, I had like, a melt down. I didn't know what I was doing anymore, because I was soooooo worried about making sense, and doing what I know I should do, and not knowing what I want to do. But then I was like "HEY! NO!"

What I forget sometimes is that there is no such thing as forever.
Nothing is really all that final, unless you're dead.
I have a lot of time ahead of me, with no need to rush.

I can change my mind pretty much at any time in my life.
If i'm not happy, then I can do something different, and try to be happy.
I feel so stuck sometimes, when there is nothing to feel stuck about.
So I'm done with feeling stuck, done, and confused.
I"m just going to remember, if something doesn't make me happy anymore, I can do something different, and try to be happy.


Ahhhhh! what a relief.
sometimes I get too silly.

So marcus.

My boyfriend, yes, I have a boyfriend if I haven't written that already, is pretty alright if you ask me.

He and I, well, I don't think we share much or any common ground, but I'm over that. It may not make sense that he's with me, but I like it, because it's different.
I'm sick of trying to make things make sense. Right now, I just want things to be, simply like that, I want things to just happen, and that's what I'm doing right now. I'm not thinking about long term, I'm not thinking about falling in love, or finding "the one", I"m just letting life take me, and do whatever it wants with me. No more fighting for what I think would be best for me, just doing.

I genuinely like marcus, don't get me wrong, but I am aware that our relation makes little sense. It's been a little over 2 months, and I'm happy. He makes me pretty happy. I no longer feel like a lifeless zombie.

Fuuuuunkkayyy.

I definitely don't know what kinda girl I am. I'm not a cute girl, i'm not a "ghetto" girl, I'm not a preppy girl, i'm not a creeper girl. I dont' know what girl I am. I do know I"m a girl, and I do know that i'm not really one sided. I'm a little bit of everything i think, and as cliche as that sounds, I really believe it. I'm into different things like dancing, and tuba, and swimming, and reading, and writing, and myspacing, ice skating, flying kites, everything.

This makes everything make sense to me. I have different kinds of friends or people I like to talk to, I don't really have a certain type of boy, i'm no one's ideal girl because I'm so blahhh, I enjoy everything and everyone, and I'm pretty much down for whatever.

I don't know why I feel so different, so un-categorical, and so cool in my own way. I'm unpredictable, and I never know how I'm going to be in another month.

I just got back from playing frisbee in parking lots and had the best time EVER! I really hope that someday, I feel a little bit more normal, but I think that If I don't, i'll be okay with it, because right now I'm doing just fine.

I don't think I make sense at all. I'm a constant contradiction, I'm the jumbo shrimp of the crowd. What I do, who I chill with, who I date, well, none of that makes a lot of sense, and sometimes I get anxiety about it. I think someday, it'll all catch up, and I'll realize that everything that I've done makes no sense, and I shouldn't be with the people I'm with. I think it'll catch up with me, but i sure hope not. I like having people DIFFERENT than me in my life, and I like trying to figure things out, and seeing how everything plays out.

The only thing that I think ever makes or has ever made sense is Esaies and I. We are the same, and I don't know how, but we are, and it's awesome. WE"RE AWESOME. I'm so thankful for a friend like him. He makes everything so much better ALWAYS. I want us to be friends FOR-EV-ER!

Other than that, I'm just funky. I always have been, and probably always will be. It's not always a good feeling, but most of the time yes. I'm comfortable with the funk.

Change.

I've been really thinking a lot about change, and my changes, and other people's changes, and about everything changing. But I've mostly thought of the reasons we change, well, more of pondered them. I don't know why some people change into the people they, and I really don't know why I change into the people I become.

I've taken a year long journey of becoming a cheerleader. I did it, and everyone said it would change me, and I would be stupid to say it didn't. Yes, I did have my brief cliche time where I was being soooo typical in people's eyes. I did not base my actions because I was a cheerleader, but do think I was placed into the situation because of my "status." I almost because the girlfriend of a football player, one that never played, but on the team none the less. But I didn't want to be with him because I thought it would be "cute" or "cool" or what have you, but because I genuinely liked the idea of us being together, just as people, not as cheerleader and football player. But cheer did change me. I can now talk to girls easier, i learned about female companionship, and i learned that I really enjoy being in front of crowds. I think as a person, in general, I am the same person. I still like pokemon, i'm still kind to others, i still eat ice cream for breakfast.

but change, it's so inevitable. I want to know why people do what they do now, opposed to what they use to do. How they view life now compared to before. I want to know what changed them.

i'm sad

real sad.
Just because I feel I have no life left in me.
Cheer sucked it out. Tuba sucked it out. School sucked it out. Work sucked it out. Not sleeping sucked it out. As of right now, I'm just sooooooooo done with everything. I went to the store with my mom, and I couldn't even tell her what kinda foods I want to eat, because I'm so whatever about everything.
Seriously, i want to live.
Swimming starts on Wednesday, and cheer has about another week and a half left.
awesome. On top of that, I think i've been sick since Christmas, and won't get better until May probably. My life is so full right now.



SAVE ME!

breaking out.

and not in a good way.
I don't think I've had this many pimples in my life.

I'm so busy all the time. I get next to no free time ever. So that means no reading, no blogs, no sleep. I live to just relax, and I can't get there. It's terrible, and it sucks really bad. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm beyond tired, and I can't seem to get enough sleep ever, or even find the time to sleep.

I'm deprived of my blogging. It's making me saddd, because I had good ideas this week, and no time to write about it. I don't even know if I can do it now. it's soooooo ridiculous.

but heyyyy, swimming starts in one week. I know it sounds silly, but I'll have more of a life then than I do now. Right now, it's just practice, games, tuba, work, and boyfriend. But I'll know i"ll be done with swimming every day at 5, which means I can go home to shower and stuff and be relaxed by 6 or 6:30. I'm SO excited to have more of a life. Man oh man, i can't wait.

Accepted.

I got accepted to someplace kinda far from my home.
Far from everything I know.
Far from My family.
Far from my friends.
Far from my life.

So I can go, and do what I've always wanted to do and just get out there and start learning about people and interacting with them, and being new, and scared and feeling things I haven't before. This is possible for me now. I can go, and build my life around myself, or I can stay, and add to the life I've already built for myself. I don't know what to do, because I have about a month to decide. I have one month to decide what I'll be doing for a year starting 5 months from when I make my decision. Wow, that was poorly worded, but I don't know how to say it. But in about march, I'll have to say if I'm going or not, give an answer, but from that point, school doesn't start for another 5 months. 5 months is a lot of time for something life changing to happen, for something to happen that will make me want to stay, or for something to happen that will make me want to leave.

I guess what it boils down to is weather I want to go out and live, or put life on hold. If I leave, I know i'll be truly living, and growing up, and becoming independent, like I've long for for so long. If I don't leave, I'm only holding off on growing up, because it'll have to happen someday. Someday, I'll have to leave my house, I'll have to rebuild my life around new surroundings, I'll have to grow up and just live. I'm not sure if I'm ready for life. I'm just a little girl, 17, braces, dependent on those around me, waiting for the right time to branch out. My mom thinks I'm ready, and maybe I can do it, i just have a lot of thinking to do.

My favorite.

My mom. If you don't know, I'm very close with my mom, and I mean super close with my mom. I don't keep secrets, I don't lie, and I don't fight with her. She's my everything at this point. I really do believe with everything that there is no one who loves my mom more than me. I simply don't think it's possible. I love my mom more than anyone, anything,and everything. Someday, I really hope that I can be as great of a mom as she is. My mom is very modest, but I feel she's the best mom I can ever ask for. It's so pleasing to call her my mom, and I don't know if I'll ever love anyone more than my mom.

Today, I stayed home from school, just so I can chill with her. i've been so busy lately, I've missed her, and she misses me. I don't know if I can move away from her for too long ever. She's like my best friend, but closer.

.5 or .7?

The worlds oldest school question.


I'm just saying, it seems like everytime you ask for .5, everyone only has .7
but when you need .7, everyone only has .5


that SUCKS so hard.
I just find it to be funny that that always seems to happen.

Seems like

Mother Nature is taking a piss on California right now.

When I think of California, I think of trees, sunlight, and weather above 70 degrees, beaches that aren't closed, and shorts.

Well, as you can tell, currently this depiction of California is far from what we have now.

The worst part is having school when it's like this. If I didn't have to hike around school, I'd be fine, then the rain wouldn't bother me, but right now, it's no fun, especially since one of my classes are across the street, so the endless puddles and lakes that are now forming are killing me because there is no way around it.

Let's just stay at home on rainy days? I think so.
it's definitely the perfect day to be lazy and watch movies or something, but I have no luck there. Thanks cheerleading and school.

failed.

So I go to the doctor's office today.

It's my appendix, most likely.
tomorrow, if it feels bad still, then I'll get test or something like that.

Why today was such a fail.
1. Didn't really accomplish anything at the doctor's office other than establishing that there was something wrong.
2. Urine test...as I pull my pants down to pee, my phone drops from my back pocket, and into the toilet. The good...it still works. Still sucked though.
3.Cheer practice felt absolutely pointless today. like nothing got accomplished.
4. My side hurts, and is warmer on the hurting side. There is something wrong for sure, it's just a matter of time when it gets real bad.


I feel weak and unwell....and my head is really starting to hurt.
NOT awesome dude.

awesome.

My side hurts, like, it's getting intense.

It's warmer on that side of my body, and it's on the lower right side of my abdomen.

Possibilities:
Ovarian problem.
Appendicitis


Let's hope for neither.

I'm going to the doctor's in a few minutes, right before cheer.
Well, fml.

My concerns

are dwindling.
I can't say I'm not still cautions, or have my moments when I doubt everything I trust to be true, but i'm feeling differently about how I view my situations and the people in my life. I feel like a big wall has just been shattered, and i have a new side of me, the side of me that's been aching to come out, is exposed and ready to overflow.

I feel like a dumb girl, but it's a good kinda dumb girl.
oh man, my generalizations shed no light into what this is exactly referring to, but that's okay, because I want it to be general.

In general, this is how I'm feeling.
and it's good.

Youth and Revolt.

So I wish everyone talked like they did in this movie.
all proper with the use of an extensive vocabulary.
I would be much happier and I'm sure the rest of the world would be better off.

Anyway, this movie wasn't packed full of action.
It wasn't rediculously funny.
It wasn't too much of anything.
But I enjoyed it.


I think it's becuase I think Michael Cera is THE MOST ADORABLE!
I swear, he is like my celebrity crush. I think I would want to be his girlfriend ANYTIME. He's just so dang cute and awkward...and everyone knows that's Annas Favorite thing ever...others being awkward. I think it's because it makes me feel less awkward.


Heyyy, go watch it. It was ridiculous.

worried.

Well, I'm worried all the nice words that make me say "aweee" are only to make me say that, and are not backed up with reality.


I need to stop.
I need to live normal.

Hey....NO!

Hoooochie mama.

So I'm at work.
And I'm helping this guy out, like I'm suppose to because I'm at work and customer service is key.

The order is almost done, Nachos and a small coke.
as I'm putting the lid on the coke, he asks me...
"Aren't you Matt's girlfriend?"
My eyes widen, my face loses all expression, and I slowly shake my head and say "No...I am not"
and then he replies with
"Oh, because you're marcus's girlfriend now, right?"
and my eyes get kinda squinty, because I have no clue who this guy is, and I don't think I've ever seen him before in my life and follow it with a
"uhhhh, no"

"oh, so you just talk to all these guys?"
"I guess I do"

later, as I hand back his change, I say "Wow, you really know how to make me sound like a hoochie"

How embarrassing.
thanks man.

I'm still curious as to who this guy is...and how he knew so much. Kinda creepy though. I'm going to make it a point to meet with this guy again and find out how he became so knowledgeable. And if he is so knowledgeable, why he phrased it that way knowing all the events that took place in between.

Oh anna preston...

Thought.

some things will never be the same.

and some things will never change.


once we accept this, we have truly reached enlightenment.


I'm trying to get there.