another lie?

but a more serious one.


I feel terrible because of it.


He makes me feel like a bully now that I know the truth, and I think this could possibly be a bigger problem then I could imagine.

lying will get you no where.
It may make you think I approve, and for the moment, I may, but when I find out the truth, i have no choice but to laugh about how stupid it makes ME feel....how uncomfortable it makes me feel, how helpless.

If you can't tell me the truth, what are we doing here? that's not ideal.

a lie.

So marcus and I are talking, and this is how he starts of a statement.
"Well, if a lie would benefit our relationship..."
and leaves it at that, without finishing it.
=[


Okay, so we all know that this statement is complete shit. There is nothing nice about this. We all think about how a lie would soften a blow of something, but that's all it should be, a thought. "oh hey, wouldn't it be nice if I could just lie and say that I DIDN'T kiss that guy at that party?" and then follow that with the thought "But I can't because that's not right. He should know." That's how it should go. Doesn't everyone have a conscience? Maybe mine is just bigger than most, but i could never be alright knowing that I didn't tell someone something that was true.

I'm big on honesty. Real big on it. If you ask me a direct question, I will not weasel my way out of it. I will be honest. This does get me into trouble sometimes, but I would rather that happen then feel the sickness in my stomach from knowing I could be better. I know right from wrong, and if i"m wrong, I have no reason to hid it, because I know it's wrong.

So would I lie to benefit my relationship? Never. NEVER would I do that, because that is not how I want to live. But first off, I don't want to put myself into situation that make me want to/need to lie. I can't think of a single situation when lying would ever "benefit" any of my relationships, and I'm sure they would have to agree too. It is not a good relationship if you feel you ever have to lie to make things better.

Of course, I'm sure marcus didn't mean for it to seem this way, but I can only wonder about his logic and how he thinks. He thinks this it is okay for this to happen, and I'm going to have to disagree.

His lie was telling me he wasn't a jealous guy, then later fesses up to it. "I know I said that[I wasn't a jealous guy], but I lied." This may not seem like a big deal, but when I asked him why he did it, like you naturally ask someone when you want a TRUE answer, he said "I thought it would worry you if I said I was, so I didn't."
Ummmm, well, I'm not dumb. I can pick up on these things. I may play like I don't realize what's going on, but I do, and I don't make a big deal about it because I don't think I should make a big deal about something someone is trying to avoid. I'm not going to push it if he thinks he doesn't have to share it. But I am aware of it being there.

I hope he can be more honest, because it sucks when you deny something, and I know what's really going on anyway, meaning I know you're not being truthful. Let me tell you, it sucks.

My problem with smoking.

It's not that I care so much for your life.
It's not that I care so much for my life.
Health is not so much a reason to me, but more of my own, personal story.

My father is a habitual smoker. He smokes a pack or more a day.
He has been since before he knew any better.
when a pack was less than a dollar.

Growing up, my dad always smoked. In the car, around me, anywhere, he didn't care, he just smoked because that's what he wanted to do, and that what he did. When I was younger, I was told smoking was bad for you, and just not to do it. I didn't want something harmful to happen to my dad, so I naturally wanted him to smoke. I wanted him around. I wanted him to live to see my his grandchildren, to attend my wedding, to college graduation, and I was convinced that he would get cancer, and he would die all before he could be proud of me. I wanted nothing less than for him to be proud of me and to see me accomplish something. Well, my dad isn't dead, he doesn't think he has cancer, well, mostly because he refuses to go see a doctor because they just remind him how dangerous it is for him to be smoking at his age, and I am no longer afraid of him dying. My problem with this nasty habit is a little more, well, superficial now. It's about money. As most of you know, Marlboro's are about 5 bucks a pack, a little less I know. For the past, well, as long as I can remember, my family has struggled with bills and food and everything financial, all up until this past year.

All through out high school....I've paid for my everything. When I would get birthday money, Christmas money, anything, it was spent on clothes I needed, rationed for when I needed to eat lunch during swim season, for sports, for anything. Perhaps that is why I never really did much sports growing up. Although I am very thankful for my father, who was the only source of income for my family, I am also very resentful.

I just don't understand how the "necessity" for cigarettes is greater than feeding your family, making rent on time, giving your children opportunity. So my problem with smokers is that. I don't ever want that. I will never smoke, ever, because I do not want to. Simple as that. I would never by choice date a smoker...and probably will never want to fall in love with one.

I don't think anyone knows how much I struggle with the fact that my dad smokes, that my brother, whom I use to look up to so much, smokes, and how my boyfriend smokes. I'm concerned for their health, yes, but mostly, it just hurts me. I guess I'm more concerned with myself. This may be selfish, and I know this, but I think this is kinda a big thing.

It's actually a really big thing to me.
Too bad I don't have the balls to tell Marcus how much this really bothers me and can't possibly think of telling him this story. I'm a coward.

whole.

I'm happy. I really am.

I don't know how, but I just am.
I'm thankful for everything, and I mean everything.
I never feel like I'm making a mistake.
maybe it's because I don't care enough, or maybe I'm just embracing life.


I feel a little more grown up, ready to take on the world.
I know I'll never be completely ready for it, but I know i'm closer right now.
I feel as though nothing can bring me down.
I'm just awesome.

it looks like

His predictions and prophecies are all turning true.

all though his parting words were harsh, crushing, discouraging...
they're all turning out to be pretty true.
He called it, as much as I hate to admit it, but he did.
every last word.

I believed with everything that he was just being a d-bag
but infact, he was just being honest.


i have come to terms with his statement now,
but it makes me the more unhappy then I've been since he said it.


Anna Preston....YOU SUCK!

eeeeekkkkkk.

I can't express how good it feels when someone just gets what you're saying.

Updates in my life...
I turned 18.
Marcus and I have been together for like, 2 and a half months.
I am still terribly sick.
I hate everything most days.
tan lines are progressing past the point of return right now.
it's spring break.


I'm sort of at a point where I just question what the point of my actions are.
Why I'm doing it, and what I am really getting out of it.
How will this benefit me or anyone else
and Am I proud of my decision, and why does it make me proud.


I think I should really ask myself these questions.

I don't know how anything I'm doing is benefitting me in any way right now.
I want to quit swimming super super super bad.
I want to pick up and start a new life.
But I want some things to be the same.
I think i'm kinda awesome most of the time, and I don't want to lose that.

03-24-10

here I am.
one XL Slurpee
ice cream with Hepp
Thinking time
and calm, depressing, soft indie

my day where I just embraced it all.


I wish I cared more.
About myself, about people around me, about getting and giving respect.

Today left me kinda discouraged. I feel like I don't know what's going on, when I should. I feel like I don't give myself enough credit. I need a slap in the face I think.

Dude, fml.

It's hard to see what's 2 feet in front of me. It's hard to see what's 1 week ahead of me. All I'm saying is maybe I need some more reassurance....some hard core facts. I need more than words I think, I need actions, and I don't know what actions would fix how stuck I feel right now, how out of place, how BLAHHHHH!.

I can't welcome change any more than right now.