FREAK!

For a while, I had like, a melt down. I didn't know what I was doing anymore, because I was soooooo worried about making sense, and doing what I know I should do, and not knowing what I want to do. But then I was like "HEY! NO!"

What I forget sometimes is that there is no such thing as forever.
Nothing is really all that final, unless you're dead.
I have a lot of time ahead of me, with no need to rush.

I can change my mind pretty much at any time in my life.
If i'm not happy, then I can do something different, and try to be happy.
I feel so stuck sometimes, when there is nothing to feel stuck about.
So I'm done with feeling stuck, done, and confused.
I"m just going to remember, if something doesn't make me happy anymore, I can do something different, and try to be happy.


Ahhhhh! what a relief.
sometimes I get too silly.

.5 or .7?

The worlds oldest school question.


I'm just saying, it seems like everytime you ask for .5, everyone only has .7
but when you need .7, everyone only has .5


that SUCKS so hard.
I just find it to be funny that that always seems to happen.

Thought.

some things will never be the same.

and some things will never change.


once we accept this, we have truly reached enlightenment.


I'm trying to get there.

a child is born.

If my civic
and my green car

had a baby.

that baby would be MY CAR.

Hyundai Elantra.
a grandma car.

I need to name her still.
and get insurance. lol.
oh, and seat covers.

17,

Yeah, I know i just wrote a blog about hurrying to find someone.
but this contradicts that.

I'm 17, and that's super young.
Why am I soooo concerned with not dating someone because it might not work out.
REALLY? Okay, I'm 17, this should be about fun, and stuff like that.
I really should just go for it. Because although I think he's pretty alright, and his family too, I shouldn't be so afraid with making life happen. I think that I should just do whatever, because I'm only 17, and that's totally not a serious age at all.
I don't know why I get so concerned sometimes...it's really all for nothing.


"there's no point in trying to take ourselves so seriously"
-Flowers for my brain Dear and the Headlights

Babies.

So yesterday, I was talking with Zach and Kevin about stuff.
and I though of my life like this...
In 10 years, I'll be nearing 28.
By 28, I'll probably be married, have a baby, and one on the way.

When you think about it, yeah, it makes sense, right before you're 30 you're life is finally settled and you have things figured, but wait, 10 years doesn't seem like a lot of time.
In ten years, I have to find someone, fall in love, get proposed to, or propose, get married, go on a honeymoon, get a stable living quarters, and have children all while having a job and buying minivans and stuff.

Wow, I don't know if you think about it, but I don't think 10 years is a lot of time, and I really think that this may be a little out of reach for me. 10 years.

But you know, at the same time, everything normally happens soooo quick, I'm not going to be surprised if I'm writing a blog ten years from now, talking about all the things I've accomplished, and all the things that seem out of reach 10 years from then, when i'm 38, nearing 40.

I feel like I should find someone, I feel a little rushed.

With my down time

I've been doing a lot of thinking.
about who I am, where I'm going, who I'm going with, all that stuff.
Well, I'm not happy with it.

I've built up my life to be something I don't like.
So here I am, trying to change it.


I think I'm a tease. I'm afraid of not getting the timing right on things. I don't think I will make a good girlfriend. I'm pretty sad. I feel like a terrible person. I feel alone all the time. This was not me...and I don't like it.

it's time for a change. Who I'll be, well, who know? Who i'll be with, I don't know that either. How i'm getting there? Not a clue. I'm just going to drop everything...reinvent who I think I am and what I stand for. To tell you the truth, for once in my life I'm really afraid of what's going to happen, and I mean really afraid.

yuck.

Well, here I am, being a single lady...
for like forever long.


I think I'm comfortable with it. I don't know if I'll know how to live differently.
I mean, having to be with someone all the time.
lol. I don't have friends that I hang out with regularly, so I'm not use to that with anyone really.
But I feel like maybe, just maybe, I've forgotten how to be a girlfriend.
Because it's not like I do that kinda stuff, or haven't for a while at least.
This girlfriends stuff i'm talking about....it consists of...
Dressing cute for yo mannn.
Doing cute things like baking brownies for them
saying cute things like "baby, you're my world"
buying stuff at the store that reminds you of them

you know, all that stuff.
I don't think I can do it.
maybe I can.
You know what, I can, it just might take some adjustment time.

hey, I'm writing things because someone is pretty interested in me again.
I know, this is NUTS, I'm NUTS!
Never have I had soooo many different guys attack me in such a short period of time.
Maybe this is a result of me getting HOT over the summer.
Anyway though, I'm thinking this is what it's like for normal high school girls.
They have guys that like them, then go away, then a new one comes and goes, then it's put on repeat. Well, that's my guess at least.

You know what

I kinda feel older today.
not so little.
despite some lady thinking I was only 14.
uhhh, yeah...it's the braces.

I realized that in a few short months, I will be able to get into REAL trouble.
fun. Makes me feel dangerous. Edgy. "I cannn break the law, and END UP IN JAIL, but I'll choose to have freedom...but i COULD go to jail if I want"

So I was thinking.
This year, went by SO fast. I feel like yesterday I was at Samantha's house, wondering why nico jumped in the pool in January/December. But it feels good for it to have gone by so fast. I like it. I really feel like I"m going somewhere, even if I've decided to probably just stay home forever.
I"m really not ready to go out anywhere. Not ready at all. But who knows, that doesn't have to stop me.

So I think that I'm very grown up lately. Matured. Kinda, just older. I feel I'm ready for things I didn't think i was ready for before. I think that I learned so pretty sick lessons this year. I think I found a ME that's worth while, despite my down times here and there.

I like being nice. It's just me, and no matter how many times I get put down for it, I know someday, it'll be worth while. And if it's not, I'll still be satisfied being who I wanted to be, because it IS me and what I"m about.

I've come to realize that I don't really pick the best guys. And I know this. I don't know what I'm going to do about this, but realizing it is the first step. Sure, I'm young, how do I expect to pick someone to last forever with. The thing is, I don't, but I'm still picking some pretty dumb choices.

I know I like to be different every once in a while. Do something new. be someone different. I like variety. So, with that in mind, I will embrace the opportunities that come my way, and roll with it. I'll make all the decisions I want to make, and not make the ones I don't want to. I don't do things for others, I do for myself and what i think will benefit me in the best way. Yes, it sounds selfish, but how am I going to make others happy if I can't make myself.

I'm pretty awesome. I say I'm lame, but there is no way that I could be way lame if I have all these great people in my life. It's just not possible. So I'm doing something right...and I don't know what it is, but I think that's my favorite part. Figuring it out would be useless, because it would just go to my head.

I have some amazing people in my life. Really.

I like a lot of indie sad music. And I never put them on my myspace because I'm afraid people would think this is how I really felt, but in actuality, the songs express how I think I should feel. Kinda weird. I don't get too sad, and when I do, it's normally only for a few days at most. Yeah, I go through my funks, but uh...it's no big thing for me. doesn't bother me.


Hey, this year isn't quite over....let's do stuff.

But this guy, he's different...

just about the most cliche statement known to the female mouth.
I don't understand what they mean by different.
Okay, so what are we at, 6 billion people in the world? And somehow girls think that find an "original." Uhhh, i find this highly unlikely. I think everyone is a little unique, but there is always going to be someone out there who is almost the exact same, as much as you try to deny it. How different can someone be anyway? And if he's so different, how did you manage to snatch that one?

Even if you don't think you can get anymore cliche than that, here comes the winner..."all guys are the same." Bull fuckin' shit dude. I know i just said that there is no originals really, but this statement is so degrading to males. Honestly, it's like sexism to me. Clumping all guys into one group saying that all they want is sex is such a lie. I can say I've met some of the sweetest guys ever, and that that is not their only motive. Sure, it may be one, but it's not every guys priority. I think I've actually met more girls who are like that then boys.

I hate grouping people up, as if they don't have a story. You can't clump up something as broad as a sex, and give it a huge title. It just doesn't work that way, and if you think about it mathmatically, the chances of getting all the males in the world to be the same, or have one thing they all have in common, is very little to none.

I've been slacking on writing, I know. I've been busy. but don't you worry, I have plenty of ideas I can just go on and on about.

Tradgic times.

So I go to school today, to get my schedule and whatnot, and am so shocked as to how to economy has impacted everyone SO MUCH. Teachers lost jobs. People got moved around. Increasing class sizes. The education of my generation is jeopardized because of this. One thing that really got me was a phone call i recieved that went out to the whole district. Buses are not longer going to be available to people far away. Terrible. I can relate when not everyone has a car. Really, it's unfair to the students who may not be able to get to school safely because of being forced to walk/bike. It's a dangerous world and now people are sent walking. Another thing that was a big wake up call was not being in my AP class because they are only having one class of it, which happens to be the only period they have band. Hmmm. It's also the only conditioning class for girls basketball. Leadership. and Psychology. Unfortunately, I picked to stick with band. Interesting.

Upside to this. My year is Terribly easy. siiiiick.
and I don't have to finish those books.


=D
I'm sooo close to senior year. I can't wait to just start it already so I can finish it!

Heavy thinking.

I really should read through these. Here I am, thinking about stuff on my way home and talking with Hep about life and boys and girls and craziness, and I think back to a previous blog I wrote.

about my dream guy.
There's that guy that EVERYONE seems to want me to date. Nice guy. Really nice guy. But since everyone was pushing him on me, I was more reluctant to push him away. But then hector puts it to me like this.
"wow, look at the other guys you dated. Seriously, they were douches! Why did they deserve a chance with you and he does when he's so much better than them."
then I though. There is NO GOOD REASON for me not to. Like, none. Why am I being dumb? What happened to trying new things and becoming bitchin? Dude, I need to live my life. Do something different with it. Experience all that I can.


what if he's the guy? the dream guy? I said myself "it's not going to be someone that I automatically fall head over heels for, but it's someone that I will grow to love out of nowhere really"

Come on anna. Think hard! what's your next move?

Moping around.

What does it accomplish? Nothing. I spent yesterday moping around because my best friend, or so I call him, left me, ditched me, right after we made plans. So what do I do, mope. I laid in bed. I text people. And I listened to sad music.

So i'm here today, wondering...what was that for? I did it all for nothing. It wasn't going to make him sorry. It wasn't going to make me feel any less sad. And it also didn't help me in any way feel like he was any more my "best friend".


siiiiick. I wasted a day, well, night, making things worse, because when my brother gets back from hanging out with my best friend, he goes and hangs out with MY OTHER REALLY GOOD FRIEND....I was just about to text her to ask if she wanted to get deny's, and then that plan crumbles before I can set it.


While moping, I wondered, is this what it's going to be like next year? I'm so isolated because the people who I find to be important to me don't approve of anyone else, so they're all I have, and when they're not feeling like being with me, i have nothing. I hope not. I'm afraid of losing what I have right now, my friendships, however, I don't think the other end feels exactly the same.

I feel unconnected to everyone right now. I need, just as anyone else, a good friend. A solid friend. Or solid friends. A pick me up.

is this why imaginary friends were invented? The only people you find you can depend on are the ones made up in your mind? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. They're exactly what you want and always there when you want them to be.

Origin of imaginary friends? Undependable people.

sexuality.

I suppose the sexual orientation of a person is somewhat personal, however, I think that people shouldn't be afraid to be open with the world about it.

I was raised in a very accepting and understanding environment. So naturally, most social factors such as sexual orientation, culture, and gender roles, can be very different from what is considered traditional, and it's all good with me. I enjoy diversity. I enjoy people being different from myself. I enjoy all people. I'm a humanitarian pretty much, and love that fact that there is such things as HUMAN rights, and laws that help protect people to be individuals and celebrate all that composes them.

So just as others don't understand homosexuality, I don't understand not understanding it, or not accepting it, or being prejudice against it. All people deserve the to not have a predetermined, cookie cutter like, perception about them just because of ONE factor that makes them. There are so many different kinds of people out there, how can one say that they will not like a certain person because of ONE thing.

Homosexuality. It is one thing that i think makes our world and social environment GREAT! It changes it up a little bit. Gives you different perspectives. I'm in support of ALL love. I wish there were more people open to this support of different kinds of love. Let's not forget that there was a time when interracial couples weren't accepted. Let's not forget that interracial couples are sometimes STILL not accepted, even in the united states. Let's not forget that DIVORCE was once NOT an option. Let's not forget that there was a time when you couldn't get a decent job when you had a visible tattoo. It's time to wake up to the real world. These are real situations, and weather you accept it or not, weather it goes against tradition or no, their presences is there, it's a driving force, and exists weather you like it or not. It'll be there, and there is no amount anything that should make one feel any hesitation to being who they are, to love whomever they please, and to be able to be open about it.

It is estimated that the world's percentage of homosexuals is somewhere between 5 and 15 percent. That's a lot of people. Let's just say it's roughly the amount of people living in the united states.

I don't think I will ever understand how people can not like homosexuals, be non accepting of them, or attack them in any way. But life goes on. The way I see it, people are just people, you can't help who you fall in love with, and a persons sexual orientation shouldn't have a factor at all when it comes to how you treat them. They're just people wanting to live life how they feel is right, no more special than you or me.

Patriotism.

Manteaca, Ca. The place where I currently live. YOU'RE CHEAP AND UNPATRIOTIC! I"M CALLING YOU OUT!

Okay, so if you know me well, I'm not one to be into being super patriotic, because frankly, some of my countries decisions and ignorance doesn't completely satisfy me, especially when you compare it to other countries and their standards. Such as Sweden, or I think it's Sweden. As a standard, they learn 5 languages by the time they're like, 5. Truly amazing.Why isn't the United States, the best country in the world, not living to this standard? I hear people complaining all the time about having to take Spanish in high school to "cater to the immigrants who are too lazy to learn english", when really, since Spanish is a Latin based language, it helps you with your english vocabulary by learning root words and such. I think it should be a standard to learn to sign. However, it's the united states, we're lazy...I get it.

okay, now that I'm done with that side rant, here it comes, my main reason for writing this. Manteca decides to celebrate Independence day, the most important day to American heritage, A DAY EARLY! That's right. Now you may think this is no big deal...but think about it. They did it to save money. There is nothing about that that says "I'm proud to be an American" That says to me, "I'm a celebrated American when I choose it's the right time." Manteca, you're cheap, and celebrating it on a day that is was not intended for makes me wonder...How bad of shape did our get ourselves into that puts money in front of our own heritage? As unpatriotic as it seemed to me, i suppose it's the American way.

In a perfect world...

Is it possible to like someone, but have sort of a "what if" person there too?
Like, "if this person was down, I'd totally drop everything to be their other half!"
I wonder because sometimes it's an impossible thing for someone to be there for you again. People move away, fall in love with other people, go through complications, have obligations, so on and so on...whatever the case may be, that person may not always be available to you. But the "what if" thing will be there. So is that wrong? To like someone but then have someone that you will always wonder "what if things were perfect and we...(insert desire here)" and have a special part in your heart reserved for them? And I don't mean celebrities...I mean real people such as your first love or the person you fell the hardest for, or the person you lost it to, just a in general special person...almost like a dream person.

what about in love? Can you be in love but always have that person you would want to be with if the situation were possible? Would that even be love if you had someone else you wish you could be with?

So my take on it is if you just like someone, you may have someone that you will always want to drop everything for if the situation came up...but not in love. If you're in love, you shouldn't dream of being with other people, because that's not being "in love" with someone.

maybe I'm just making "being in love" out to be something more than it is. I really wouldn't know the power of it since I've never been in love...but I think it should be something powerful like that.

like like like.

I love when someone asks if you like someone. And you tell them how you like them indicated by the number of times you say like. they ask "Do you like them, or Like Like Like them?" makes me laugh.


Why do we like the people we do. More importantly, why did we like the people we DID like before? What made us change our minds? weird.

what's more weird is wondering why people like/did like you. Like Like Like you. What makes now different from then? What if they will always like you? What if you will always like them?

life goes on. Broken hearts continue to crack. People continue to ponder these questions.
I don't want to. I'm wanting to be free from this. I want to JUST LIVE...however am incapable.

Kissing.

really, I wonder this all the time when I'm kissing someone.
Who decided the action of kissing would be an act of affection?
I know we're animals or whatever, and it probably derives from that, but still...

I wonder like, who invented the kiss...
it's just weird when I think about how SO many years go by, and kissing is still a means of showing someone how you feel. I think I should research this...and maybe other affectionate actions that may have died out.

GIRLS

...are mean to other girls.

I don't know why. This is pretty much the worst idea EVER. Not only does it make them look insecure, but it also makes them just seem unapproachable.

Being mean to people gets you really no where. If you think about it like I do, before you go to bed, if your a half way decent person, you'll feel somewhat sorry that you said and what you did.

We can't all be saints, so I'm not saying that girls can't be mean SOMETIMES to other girls for no reason, but I am saying maybe TRY to have a reason first, or just don't do it out in the open. This is extremely rude and childish. People think it's "being an upfront person" but it's not. Being an upfront person is knowing you don't mix well with someone, and staying away from them because you know that, not being rude and talking about the girl right there and shooting her looks.

This is why I'm afraid to talk to people sometimes. Honestly, I think it's a fear of getting attacked by a group of girls, because we all know most of them travel in packs. It's sad that I feel this way, but too many times have I seen this, and it's been vicious. I don't need anyone to rip me a new asshole, I've already got one.

Girls? Play nice, please?

Cheerleaders.

So many people have this preconceived notion that all cheerleaders, or most, are back stabbing, manipulative, slutty, dumb, shit talking hoes. I for one, am not one to believe in this. I meet so many different kinds of people, and I would hate to put them in a category that may seems so terrible. However, I can see the ones who make this stereotype a thriving existence, I see more who don't.

Tomorrow is my first day of cheer. I don't seem to be the cheerleader type at all to most people. But I see that all the more reason to do it. I want to really experience all that I can in high school, and being a cheerleader is one of them that I think would be more than worth while. I want to feel the closeness that I hear of. I want to experience first hand that not all these girls are who you hear they are. I want to be able to tell people, "Hey, I'm a cheerleader, and I'm proud of it. I did some pretty awesome things because of it."

I'm excited to cheer for the first time in my life. I hope to learn from it. I hope to fully experience it. I hope to make friends. Most of all, I hope to not regret it, especially after spending all this money on it.