Accepted.

I got accepted to someplace kinda far from my home.
Far from everything I know.
Far from My family.
Far from my friends.
Far from my life.

So I can go, and do what I've always wanted to do and just get out there and start learning about people and interacting with them, and being new, and scared and feeling things I haven't before. This is possible for me now. I can go, and build my life around myself, or I can stay, and add to the life I've already built for myself. I don't know what to do, because I have about a month to decide. I have one month to decide what I'll be doing for a year starting 5 months from when I make my decision. Wow, that was poorly worded, but I don't know how to say it. But in about march, I'll have to say if I'm going or not, give an answer, but from that point, school doesn't start for another 5 months. 5 months is a lot of time for something life changing to happen, for something to happen that will make me want to stay, or for something to happen that will make me want to leave.

I guess what it boils down to is weather I want to go out and live, or put life on hold. If I leave, I know i'll be truly living, and growing up, and becoming independent, like I've long for for so long. If I don't leave, I'm only holding off on growing up, because it'll have to happen someday. Someday, I'll have to leave my house, I'll have to rebuild my life around new surroundings, I'll have to grow up and just live. I'm not sure if I'm ready for life. I'm just a little girl, 17, braces, dependent on those around me, waiting for the right time to branch out. My mom thinks I'm ready, and maybe I can do it, i just have a lot of thinking to do.

My concerns

are dwindling.
I can't say I'm not still cautions, or have my moments when I doubt everything I trust to be true, but i'm feeling differently about how I view my situations and the people in my life. I feel like a big wall has just been shattered, and i have a new side of me, the side of me that's been aching to come out, is exposed and ready to overflow.

I feel like a dumb girl, but it's a good kinda dumb girl.
oh man, my generalizations shed no light into what this is exactly referring to, but that's okay, because I want it to be general.

In general, this is how I'm feeling.
and it's good.

"Hey Anna, where have you been?"

-Oh you know, having fun. Sorry, i've just been busy.
"Busy with what, if you don't mind?"
-Well, having fun, doing fun things, being alive finding things to write about.
"awesome"
-yes, awesome.

I wish this is how the conversation between me and my blog went....
in reality, this was it.

"Hey Anna, where have you been?"
-sick
"Really? With what?
-The flu, and on top of that, work
"hope you feel better"
-Yeah, me too.


Awe fiddlesticks.
flu=1, Anna=-7

If I died tonight.

I would be satisfied. I don't know one thing I could do today to offset any of the decisions I have made. I've said my sorrys, my I love yous, stated my opinion, and given my time to people I really love. If I was to die, right this minute, or at midnight tonight, I wouldn't be too disappointed in all that I've done, and all that I haven't done.

One think I've learned to accept, but wished was different is the lack of closeness I have with my dad. Growing up, I freared him, and I think it's simply because I didn't know him, but what I did know was that he had so much rule and control over my life. He was home, but never really home, not around my family at least. He had his own family in the garage, his friends, and they were often picked over us. What I saw of him was yelling, lethery hand spankings, and smoking. I don't understand why he chose, or still chooses them over us. Us as in the children whom he willingly created and wanted to bring into the world. Why would he want to miss out on his children growing up, on our lives, on our plays, recitles, our big moments? I know I make him nervous, and I think he may have a serious anxiety problem, but I don't know how hanging out with his friend in the garage makes that problem any better, or mends his lost time with us.

So I guess what question I would really like to know, something that would put me kinda at ease when I die is if he wished he would have done anything different, or be proud of what he's done and the time he spent with me. I accept that he wasn't there, and he isn't here for me now. But even if I didn't accept it, I don't think there would be anything he could do at this point in time to make up for all that has happened, and all that hasn't.

This is something I wrote in Creative writing as my final.
It was followed with a letter I wrote to my Father.
My eyes were filled to the brirm with tears, trying to flow over.
I just think that it was about time I wrote that letter, and I'm not finished with it yet.
However, that is much too personal to share at this time.

I don't want to go to the bathroom anymore.

You may ask why?
Well, because it's winter, and by that I mean....
It's too cold to wash my hands.


I mean, I do wash my hands, but I end up holding in whatever is trying to come out for a long time because I don't want to wash my hands and then be all cold.
So what that's why I don't like going to the bathroom anymore.
It's silly, I know, but yeahh, it's the truth.

Fear.

Some people fear the dark.
Some fear dying.
Some fear spiders.

well I don't fear these things...I'm FEARLESS!
jk. well, in all seriousness, I think I'm afraid of not being happy with who I am, or what I"m doing, and wanting to start over when I'm waist deep in life.

But we'll talk about that some other time.
I had this talk over dinner with my friend Marcus the other night.
About fears, what we fear when I joked about being fearless.
He asked if I was afraid of being unsuccessful....
and I couldn't answer with yes or no, but with a question.
"Well, I guess it depends on how you define success, and what it really means to you. So what is success?"

and for that, he had no answer.

Is success doing the things you always set out to do?
for me, no, because that's always changing.

Is success getting a lot of money?
Money doesn't equal everything in my books. not my motivation.

Is success being happy?
to me, YES. Being successful with life, with anything, is being happy with it.

So in that sense, being unsuccessful is one of my fears.

Leaving.

I'm not afraid to branch out in this world, like, at all.
I actually can't wait. I think part of this is because I have nothing holding me here. Sure, i have my family, and for some people that's enough, but for me, I often don't agree with the views and how people handle things in my household. So I think a good visit would be just fine with me. I have no friends keeping me here. I have nothing except my little, ehem, I mean big cat, kitten guy. Other than that, the place were I grew up is nothing to be proud of, nothing too special, and I can get along just fine somewhere else.

So last night, I was looking at different colleges I would like to apply to, and the thought of moving out, and just being by myself didn't scare me. I feel so alone these days. I'm without a partner. There is no one here for me worth staying for, and I really don't think there is anyone that's going to visit me when I'm gone. Maybe just to crash at my place if they're in town. Now, this is something really hard for me to cope with. I always feel so dependent on having loved ones surround me, but right now, I can't even remember what that feels like. I often feel not good enough. Second best. The side thing.

The thing that gets me is why? Why is there no one for me? why is it that the people that mean the most to me don't care for me back? or even consider me these days? Maybe I'm just too vain, but I really don't see anything too wrong with me to have no one really care how I am. I swear I'm nice. I swear I try to be friendly. I swear I'd give almost anything for the people I love. But somehow, that's not good enough for them. They must go out, find their main people, and leave me to when their number one is busy.

So picking up and leaving isn't so bad for me. I've been so sad lately. Lonely. Feeling unimportant. At least if I leave, I can just keep telling me that they WOULD be there for me if there were closer. I think that would make me feel better. Because right now, they have no excuse to my knowledge to not be here for me. It hurts, to say the least.

Found.

I had a very hard thinking session about two or three days ago, and really just felt like I knew myself more in that moment than ever before. What I stood for, where I want to go, and what kind of things I want to surround myself with. This is what I got so far.

I'm down for human rights. I'm down for celebrating culture. I'm down for family and close friends. I'm pretty much an honest girl, a sweet girl who sometimes does too much. I care for everyone. I'm quiet to most, and obnoxious to others. I don't have enough respect for myself sometimes and have low self esteem, but when I have these good, deep think times, I see how much I need to improve how I view myself.

My life. I'm dedicating it, just as I have said for a while, to experiencing as much as I can to equip my mind with worthwhile lessons. These lessons will be used so I can be an all around bad ass and understanding person.

Family. I love my family. Friends, they're always there to cheer me up when I'm in a funk. Education, something that I have control over. These are all things that are pretty important in my life. I want to engulf myself in these things, just because I know how much I love it at the end of the day.


It's really clear to me what's going on at this moment, but soon I know I'll lose it again. However, I know it's all worth it to find myself again because it feels really good.

My photography.

I really enjoy taking picture.
It's one of my biggest hobbies. I always get these weird looks from people on the street driving by because I really LOVE taking pictures of flowers wherever I go. Alright, now this may seem pretty lame, but really, I take my camera everywhere, because when I see something cool, I must take a picture of it.
Here are some of my pieces.









I think it's wonderful and it really gets my juices going when I find something good to take a picture of. Yeeeeeeeeaaaahhhh, geeeky.

My dream man.

So every guy wants to know...
"what do girls want?"
I'm no expert on boys, nor am I an expert on being a girl.
But for me, I'm appreciate a few things.

Okay, for starters, there is a difference between a guy being my dream guy and a guy being hot. A hot guy for me has tattoos, tallish, tan or darker completion, longish and interesting hair, cool eyes, piercings, a little rugged facial hair, but not too much, not too skinny, muscles, especially tummy and arms, musician, dress well and smells nice. Oh, and trucks are always a turn on. Not little trucks, but big ones, or muscle cars. Okay, so that might be a little much to ask for...but one of the hottest celebs I think is Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes. I don't think I would like them as much if their front man wasn't so steamy.



Now a dream guy. This is the guy that you want to be in a relationship with. This is the guy you want everyone who's anyone to you to meet, and you're not embarrassed or have nothing to worry about. For me, it's less of a physical thing, and more of a personality thing, however, I still think someone who looks nice is kinda important too. So here it goes, my dream guy.
He should be some I can always have a great conversation with. Anyone who knows me knows how important it is for me to talk, I love it, and love hearing how others feel about things, which brings me to my next point of interest: has a standing point. In order to have a good conversation, the other person has to be able to have some kinda input on the subject. It doesn't mean that have to be smart or knowledgeable about too much, even though it's preferred for them to be some what intelligent or just not ignorant, just that they know themselves well enough to know when they agree on something or not. Another thing is knowing when being stupid is okay, and when you have to have serious time. People normally only offer one side of them, but my dream guy has to be a little bit more well rounded. Open minded to MOST things. He also has to have good hygiene. This should be a given, but if you can't even take care of yourself, then I don't see them being anything I would want to be with, especially if he's stinky. Physically, I'm not asking for too much really, just that they care enough for their body to be healthy. Someone who's caring and understanding is always a plus. Also, a hobby is always cool. Most of all, I think the biggest thing to look for is someone who makes me feel comfortable. Not only does this ensure a healthy physical relationship, but it just makes a person feel good about themselves. I constantly do things that are slightly awkward...I'm an awkward girl, and someone who makes me feel less awkward is really ideal. Not that I really mind being awkward, it's just that you feel normal and accepted by certain people, and for me that's always a little harder to find. Lastly, my dream guy is someone that I can see myself being with longer than a few months. I'm not saying get married or anything, but someone who you just know will be around for a while. Love is also need in my dream guy. I don't plan on finding my dream guy, but rather find a guy, than realizing that he's my dream guy, so don't think I'm going to be looking for this right off the bat. I'm looking for someone who I could fall in love with.

That song.

You know what song I'm talking about.
one that just says the right things.
For me, my "song" is the ones that talk about ♥LOVE♥ and how much it means to them.

What is my fixation with love songs. I want to be IN LOVE, like, madly, insanely, thriving love. I really enjoy heart felt songs, songs that really make you want to cry because they're so perfect, ones that you want played at your wedding, even if it's not dancing music, one that really makes you think of your someone, or something, special. lol.

Currently, I love how you love me by Neutral Milk Hotel is that song. Check it yooooo.
I actually have a list of songs that just make me want to cry everytime I hear them....and i don't know why. Waaaaiting to be in love really, I want to think of someone when I hear these songs.

Occupation...

how we spend our time. Well, how I spent my time, swimming, is not over!
who's excited, I'M EXCITED!
However, now I must fill my time with a new something.
I'm going to start taking my writing more serious.
I'm going to be taking my time more serious.
I'm going to start fully dedicating myself to my summer goals.


it's about fuckin' time duuuuude.