If I died tonight.

I would be satisfied. I don't know one thing I could do today to offset any of the decisions I have made. I've said my sorrys, my I love yous, stated my opinion, and given my time to people I really love. If I was to die, right this minute, or at midnight tonight, I wouldn't be too disappointed in all that I've done, and all that I haven't done.

One think I've learned to accept, but wished was different is the lack of closeness I have with my dad. Growing up, I freared him, and I think it's simply because I didn't know him, but what I did know was that he had so much rule and control over my life. He was home, but never really home, not around my family at least. He had his own family in the garage, his friends, and they were often picked over us. What I saw of him was yelling, lethery hand spankings, and smoking. I don't understand why he chose, or still chooses them over us. Us as in the children whom he willingly created and wanted to bring into the world. Why would he want to miss out on his children growing up, on our lives, on our plays, recitles, our big moments? I know I make him nervous, and I think he may have a serious anxiety problem, but I don't know how hanging out with his friend in the garage makes that problem any better, or mends his lost time with us.

So I guess what question I would really like to know, something that would put me kinda at ease when I die is if he wished he would have done anything different, or be proud of what he's done and the time he spent with me. I accept that he wasn't there, and he isn't here for me now. But even if I didn't accept it, I don't think there would be anything he could do at this point in time to make up for all that has happened, and all that hasn't.

This is something I wrote in Creative writing as my final.
It was followed with a letter I wrote to my Father.
My eyes were filled to the brirm with tears, trying to flow over.
I just think that it was about time I wrote that letter, and I'm not finished with it yet.
However, that is much too personal to share at this time.