Uncomfortable?

Doesn't happen to me.
Tonight, which I will not speak of at this point and time, would have been something most people would feel uncomfortable with, and Me, shameless me, blew it off. siiiiiiick.

Unless you stare at me, then I feel real uncomfortable.


What does make me comfortable, is making others uncomfortable.
like, the other day.
Heppard and I went on this long adventure to get some food and coffee on a gusty day. So my hair is strategically placed in a side pony, and my big glasses that look like real ones are on, and I'm wearing big baggy clothes to keep me warm.

We're eating in McDonald's, when I notice a kid outside throwing a fit.
So I decided to mess with him a little bit.
He comes inside, but doesn't leave the door area. So I stare at him. Intensely, and smile real big.
Our eyes meet, and at first he doesn't think i'm staring, but then, suddenly, he knows it, and looks away real quick and I laugh quietly to myself, not to give away that my stares aren't serious. So he keeps looking back at me, to see if I'm still looking at him. Of course I do this until his departure. He was soooo uncomfortable, and creeped out, that I almost got a high off of it. It was goood. I thoroughly enjoyed giving this kid something to think about when he was on his car ride home, instead of throwing another fit.

Kids=THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST!

Trouble with a capital T

I sometimes make bad decisions.
actually, I often do.
This whole "live life as it comes" thing seems terrible right now.
Things are happening, and they're not good, and i"m doing nothing about it.
I'm actually just going along with it.

so what's wrong with me?
why do I have to be such a dick?
Because it seems like that's all that's going on for me right now.
I'm not making good choices.
So i'm miserable, and it's my fault, becuase I put myself here...
so there is no one else to be made at, just me.


I liked it better, when I didn't have options.
and i just went along with anything that would come up,
because there was nothing else for me.
What the hell is happening to me?
I guess well see.

Maybe I'll go with the flow.
maybe I'll start actually thinking. for serious.
ehhhhh. this is weird.

Cuddle me.

it's cuddle season.
it's getting cold, and that makes people want to get closer.
I'm definitely a sucker for that.
I feel deprived of it right now.
I just want to hold someone, feel warm, safe.
this whole week has been like that.
I lay in bed and wish Teddy Freddy were real, and could actually hold me tight.

but I'm stuck in reality. Where stuffed bears don't really cuddle you back. Where I don't have some one to cuddle with. Where it's growing colder and colder, and all I want to do is hold someone...

oh goodness. Global warming either needs to hurry up, or I need a cuddle buddy.
Now accepting applications.

=D

I enjoy

waiting things out.


because I'm convinced it's the only way.
simple as that.

I'm not attracted to douchers.

so why are you attracted to me?


Uhhh, the most random guys have things for me. Like, I'll have sweethearts, and douchers, then weird, geeky guys, then I don't know, the indescribable.

What is it about me that draws them to me? I'm like, not too strong with anything.
I don't have a strong personality, and if you talk to me, I think I have none to begin with.
Uhhh, I can't flirt...like, seriously.
I'm like an old lady....arthritis and all.
I'm totally awkward.
I'm really weird.


So why would some guy who probably talks to hella girls find any kinda interest in me.
because I'm not that girl.
I don't party.
I don't drink.
I'm not dtf.

So what is it?
I"m puzzled.

if you think this is about you, chances are it's not. lol.
because this doucher wouldn't read my shit. lol.

Creative writing.

my favorite class this year probably.
I really enjoy it. totally awesome.
This is something I wrote in that class one day.
Of course, i touched it up a bit.

Dear Almost.
I might have taken a chance if any possibility had remained. Even if it would have weighed out to be little to none, I'm certain I would have gone for it, or maybe even still go for it. Although now, a less naive girl than I once was, would be more hesitant to take such a chance.

I might have taken a chance if I felt that you wanted me, the way that I wanted you. There was a time, when we were both on the same page, and all the oddly shaped pieces that were our lives, seemed to just work, fall into place. However, that was then, and this is now, and all those pieces have come detached, lonely, and out of place.

I had always had hope for us. Not a day went by without a love song to tease my ears, and I was stuck thinking about you, and how if all those pieces did fall into place once more, these songs would no longer taunt my heart, but be fond reminders of what I had.
We thrived in my dreams.You were that no-op parked in my heart. I had paid the price to keep you there. Sacrificed possibilities of what I could have had, all because I had you, even if I really didn't. You kept me in on weekends. You kept me home from dates. You kept me on my stoop, awaiting your arrival, despite the distance.

Then our fate took an unsuspecting turn, for even worse. You told me you were to move even farther, thousands of miles, and as my speechless lips couldn't seem to touch, due to my jaw being on the floor from shock. As I manually bring them together with my hands, i just keep telling myself not to cry. You went from semi-intangible, to completely out of the question. And that wouldn't change, not even if I had cried all the tears humanly possible.

Currently, you are being you, somewhere new, and I'm here, being me, but missing a chunk that I had once called hope, and I know we don't talk anymore, but I don't know why you don't attempt it. Maybe you wonder the same thing. Maybe we don't talk for the same reasons. We're afraid. Afraid to think about something that could be great, but isn't possible.You're the last person I want to see at my door, and the holidays and summer scare me for this reason. I hope you forget to drop by, like you have before, and have lost hope like me. If you do feel like I do, i'm sorry because I know how bad it feels to have your heart squeezed at someone else's unintentional mercy. I wish that upon no one, but especially not you.

Always, missing you.

Pretty sad. It made me sad writing it.

What if?

Ummm. well, most people have that person that seems ideal.
Like, the person who you just know would be perfect for you, if things were to work out the way they should. And if you don't have one of these people, chances are you either don't care, or you're with someone you really love.

I think your mission should be to get rid of that what if person.
I know someone, who has a girlfriend, and loves her a lot, and she loves him back. they're happy together, and fight like normally people do sometimes, but HE has a what if person. He feels for some other girl, he wishes things would be perfect so THEY could be together, and often ponders if he'll ever get his chance to sweep her off her feet. But this doesn't stop his life from happening. He still has that girlfriend that he loves, he still has good times with her, and has been with her for a long time. I think if he was to go out with this other girl, and they broke up, she would still be his what if person UNTIL he found someone who makes him know things are right.

So if you are in a relationship, I think it's okay to go into it even if you have someone else on your mind, or in your dreams, but try to find people not to fill your physical needs, find someone who could possible take away your doubts.

For My Gurrrrl.

So today, i was talking with a close friend of mine, who is having a hard time.

I felt bad, because I couldn't lie to her, and tell her things would get better, or easier, or anything. All I could do is tell her, bluntly, was "i'm sorry, but things just get more complicated as time goes on. You're at a rough part, i know, I've been there, but things aren't going to get any easier."

Routines. If you have the same boyfriend for a long period of time, it's hard not to just go for their hand, or give them that extra long, warming, hug, or sometimes feel like you should go in for a kiss. That's what you're use to, and that's all there is to it. It's hard to break those habits, and it's even harder for you to see that they could just pick up those habits quickly with others. If you never felt like this, you haven't been in a good relationship yet.

I think it's hard to get over people if it was a good relationship for any period of time. You should feel something after it. Like wishing things were better. If you don't, it wasn't worth your time, and you should feel dumb. I'm not making fun of anyone, because I've been there too, but really, as sad as it sounds, you should strive to look for these things. Strive to look for the people who can hurt you. Look for the people who have possibilities of making greatness with you. Even if you don't make greatness, those are the people you need. Because you know if something, one little variable was different, things would be amazing. And everyone deserves amazing. Striving for it should be your motives behind everything. I've you don't think about going back ever, I'm sorry. Doubting if you made good choices to let things leave, or for you to leave, tells you that that person was totally worth your time, and that you almost got it right. You're were close, but you also know that they are not for you, which is one down out of 6 billion people in the world. That's something.

So girl, i'm sorry you're going through such hurt, i've been there, but know that you're headed in the right direction, whichever way that is, because things COULD have been great, but life happens and sometimes things fall apart, but someday, you'll find something that won't, and you'll know that as their variables change, and yours too, you'll find someone. And that at one time, things were perfect, even if they aren't now. That is definitely something you have to show for the time you spent with them. One day, you'll strike gold. You're too great not to. You're to gorgeous not to. You have a glow about you, and I hope that no one will take that away from you. I love you.

The Freemans.

Definitely a Tight Family.
not only as in close, but cool.
They're all real loving, know how to have a good time, and totally GIVE THE BEST HUGS.
I told them about my blog, and how I wrote about the hugs, and they wanted to show me that they could give great hugs too, so each of them gave me a hug.
Oh, nico gave me a hug also because I think he was hurt that he didn't make my top 10 list.
but I think that's what he gets for not hugging me this week.
If you read this nico, which I have a feeling you will, lol, You're hugs are pretty awesome. I think if you would have hugged me that week during the trial, you would have made the list.


Anyway, they're AMAZING hug givers, and I hope to someday have a family as close and wonderful as theirs. It's an inspiration to me that the word family still has value somewhere, and it's not yet obsolete.

Elani- I don't know if that's how you spell your name, but you're hella funny and I love you. If I didn't, i wouldn't have given you my sweater. =D
Ezera- Hella funny as well. You always know how to play off other people's words, and i think it's great.
Esaies-You're my brown counter part. I love you always. We will get married, and that kiss was just the start. lol.
Evett- You're one of the nicest, most welcoming mom's I know. It's rare to find these days. You inspire me to the max with everything. You take care of yourself, Your house, your children, and everything in between. I honestly think you're amazing, and thank you for the book you let me borrow.

Freeman family, you're the best, hands down.

My top 10 huggers.

1. Esaies Freeman
2. Ryan Melton
3. Karl Mitchell
4.Gerry Cooper
5. Samantha Hyles (Kiss on the shoulder)
6.Cameron Solis.
7. Natalie Abuelhaj
8. Mikey Freitas
9.Tyler Friddle
10. Jose ???(I don't know his last name.lol)


My favorite hug ever.....the one where they hug your head. I don't know what it is, but I love it. Only Gerry Cooper and Camo Solis do this, and i think it's because they're taller than me and it's easier that way, but I love it.
=D

Girls didn't step up their game. I actually don't think I hugged these ladies this past week, but I still remember that they're AMAZING!

looking for a good hug on a bad day, check them outttt!