a child is born.

If my civic
and my green car

had a baby.

that baby would be MY CAR.

Hyundai Elantra.
a grandma car.

I need to name her still.
and get insurance. lol.
oh, and seat covers.

New years eve...

and I'm home. writing blogs. eating pizza rolls.

my parents aren't letting me go out.
I have the flu, and it's ruining my life.



can I get a "aww hell naw."


I'm pissed to say the least.

Regarding the "creeeeeped" blog.

I have someone talking shit to my friends.
And really, i feel bad for that, because it's kinda my fault.

My blogs about mine and Nico's constant battle to be friends has fueled someone to make a myspace and think they have to fight battles for me. They talk shit to some of my best friends, Zach and Kevin, and apparently to everyone on Nico's top.

Everyone on Nico's top is my friend, and I think it's sad that I had to get them into this.
I'm sorry Zach and Kevin.
I'm sorry Nico.
I'm sorry to everyone who got a message.

I'm kinda embarrassed about it.
No one really deserves to get something like that over myspace, that's just dumb.

"Hey Anna, where have you been?"

-Oh you know, having fun. Sorry, i've just been busy.
"Busy with what, if you don't mind?"
-Well, having fun, doing fun things, being alive finding things to write about.
"awesome"
-yes, awesome.

I wish this is how the conversation between me and my blog went....
in reality, this was it.

"Hey Anna, where have you been?"
-sick
"Really? With what?
-The flu, and on top of that, work
"hope you feel better"
-Yeah, me too.


Awe fiddlesticks.
flu=1, Anna=-7

abort abort abort.

creeeeeeeped.

One of those moments...

when I just look back and ask myself...
"what the hell was I thinking?"


Right now I'm looking at two things.
why did I even bother?
and
Why didn't I just do it?


well, life is weird, and I do the things I shouldn't, and don't do the things I should.

i'm hoping next year will be spent pursuing more of the things that I know I should, and less of the things that I know I shouldn't.

as for right now though...
What the hell was I thinking with THAT guy?
he's not even cute or cool or really interesting to me.
wow, how lame.

If I died tonight.

I would be satisfied. I don't know one thing I could do today to offset any of the decisions I have made. I've said my sorrys, my I love yous, stated my opinion, and given my time to people I really love. If I was to die, right this minute, or at midnight tonight, I wouldn't be too disappointed in all that I've done, and all that I haven't done.

One think I've learned to accept, but wished was different is the lack of closeness I have with my dad. Growing up, I freared him, and I think it's simply because I didn't know him, but what I did know was that he had so much rule and control over my life. He was home, but never really home, not around my family at least. He had his own family in the garage, his friends, and they were often picked over us. What I saw of him was yelling, lethery hand spankings, and smoking. I don't understand why he chose, or still chooses them over us. Us as in the children whom he willingly created and wanted to bring into the world. Why would he want to miss out on his children growing up, on our lives, on our plays, recitles, our big moments? I know I make him nervous, and I think he may have a serious anxiety problem, but I don't know how hanging out with his friend in the garage makes that problem any better, or mends his lost time with us.

So I guess what question I would really like to know, something that would put me kinda at ease when I die is if he wished he would have done anything different, or be proud of what he's done and the time he spent with me. I accept that he wasn't there, and he isn't here for me now. But even if I didn't accept it, I don't think there would be anything he could do at this point in time to make up for all that has happened, and all that hasn't.

This is something I wrote in Creative writing as my final.
It was followed with a letter I wrote to my Father.
My eyes were filled to the brirm with tears, trying to flow over.
I just think that it was about time I wrote that letter, and I'm not finished with it yet.
However, that is much too personal to share at this time.

17,

Yeah, I know i just wrote a blog about hurrying to find someone.
but this contradicts that.

I'm 17, and that's super young.
Why am I soooo concerned with not dating someone because it might not work out.
REALLY? Okay, I'm 17, this should be about fun, and stuff like that.
I really should just go for it. Because although I think he's pretty alright, and his family too, I shouldn't be so afraid with making life happen. I think that I should just do whatever, because I'm only 17, and that's totally not a serious age at all.
I don't know why I get so concerned sometimes...it's really all for nothing.


"there's no point in trying to take ourselves so seriously"
-Flowers for my brain Dear and the Headlights

Babies.

So yesterday, I was talking with Zach and Kevin about stuff.
and I though of my life like this...
In 10 years, I'll be nearing 28.
By 28, I'll probably be married, have a baby, and one on the way.

When you think about it, yeah, it makes sense, right before you're 30 you're life is finally settled and you have things figured, but wait, 10 years doesn't seem like a lot of time.
In ten years, I have to find someone, fall in love, get proposed to, or propose, get married, go on a honeymoon, get a stable living quarters, and have children all while having a job and buying minivans and stuff.

Wow, I don't know if you think about it, but I don't think 10 years is a lot of time, and I really think that this may be a little out of reach for me. 10 years.

But you know, at the same time, everything normally happens soooo quick, I'm not going to be surprised if I'm writing a blog ten years from now, talking about all the things I've accomplished, and all the things that seem out of reach 10 years from then, when i'm 38, nearing 40.

I feel like I should find someone, I feel a little rushed.

burn it.

So I have these items, and I don't know if I talked about them before, but they're items I felt like I NEEDED to burn. I needed to be done with it, so around summer, I decided to burn it, but didn't have the means to...
Well, last night, Zach, Kevin, and I went to Kevin's house and had a fire, and we burned those items. A weird beanie baby, some string, and a box that contained them.

I feel better, and I don't have to look at them anymore.
They once belonged to a friend of mine, who promised to return for them, but never did, and I'm convinced never will. I do wish for him to come back though, because that would be nice. Maybe I burned it too soon, but I don't think so. He's not coming back, and I needed to deal with it, so I BURNED what I had left to remind me of it.

I suggest you burn all the things you are hung up on....
I'm telling you, it feels relieving and does a person good.

****NOTE: This was not nico stuff. This was not an ex-boyfriend stuff. It was just stuff.

Hey, if this is your stuff, and you know who you are because it was such a weird collection of items, you no longer have any incentive to come back. Why did I burn it? Because I don't want to hold onto memories of things that make me feel forgotten.

Gross.

I hate this question....terribly bad.

"why don't you have a boyfriend?"
But it's astronomically worse if it's asked via myspace comment/message.

Okay dude, really?
What if I was crazy, and that's why? I'm not going to admit that's the case if that's the situation, because to me, I'm sane, and to others I would be crazy. So I couldn't tell you that.

Another thing, if I knew, don't you think I would change so that wouldn't be the case anymore? No shit, I would do that.

You're not accomplishing anything with this question other than making that girl think there is something terribly wrong with them.

So hey smartass, don't do it.

Go HOME-MADE or go HOME!

I'm just saying, for home made cookies are so much better than the ones from a mix. For the first time ever actually, I gave someone cookies that I planned to give as a gift from a mix. Not, home made, and to be honest, I felt like I was being kinda bad. Never again.

lol. Poor marcus.

With my down time

I've been doing a lot of thinking.
about who I am, where I'm going, who I'm going with, all that stuff.
Well, I'm not happy with it.

I've built up my life to be something I don't like.
So here I am, trying to change it.


I think I'm a tease. I'm afraid of not getting the timing right on things. I don't think I will make a good girlfriend. I'm pretty sad. I feel like a terrible person. I feel alone all the time. This was not me...and I don't like it.

it's time for a change. Who I'll be, well, who know? Who i'll be with, I don't know that either. How i'm getting there? Not a clue. I'm just going to drop everything...reinvent who I think I am and what I stand for. To tell you the truth, for once in my life I'm really afraid of what's going to happen, and I mean really afraid.

Perspective

Well, in Creative writing, yesterday we had to write from the perspective of someone who is the wrong doer in the middle of some gossip or scandal. most people picked tiger woods, but I didn't because it's whatever and I don't really know whats going on there.
Well, I thought about gossip that I had heard, and stuff I had pretty much accumulated.
And I wrote about something I heard about someone, and I kinda understood them a little better even if this wasn't their situation.


I wrote about a guy, who left a girl for another one.
His intentions were not to be a doucher.
His intention wasn't to hurt this other girl at all, but it happened...
all because the girl he had always liked, the one he felt was unavailable to him
she finally made it possible for them to be together.

so he took that chance, because he was trying to show this girl how much he really liked her...and thought being with someone he had longed for was something he deserved.

Now that I look at it that way, I don't think of him so badly.
I actually kinda respect it.
it's sad that someone got caught in the cross fire, but heyyy, it happens. it's life.

yuck.

Well, here I am, being a single lady...
for like forever long.


I think I'm comfortable with it. I don't know if I'll know how to live differently.
I mean, having to be with someone all the time.
lol. I don't have friends that I hang out with regularly, so I'm not use to that with anyone really.
But I feel like maybe, just maybe, I've forgotten how to be a girlfriend.
Because it's not like I do that kinda stuff, or haven't for a while at least.
This girlfriends stuff i'm talking about....it consists of...
Dressing cute for yo mannn.
Doing cute things like baking brownies for them
saying cute things like "baby, you're my world"
buying stuff at the store that reminds you of them

you know, all that stuff.
I don't think I can do it.
maybe I can.
You know what, I can, it just might take some adjustment time.

hey, I'm writing things because someone is pretty interested in me again.
I know, this is NUTS, I'm NUTS!
Never have I had soooo many different guys attack me in such a short period of time.
Maybe this is a result of me getting HOT over the summer.
Anyway though, I'm thinking this is what it's like for normal high school girls.
They have guys that like them, then go away, then a new one comes and goes, then it's put on repeat. Well, that's my guess at least.

I don't want to go to the bathroom anymore.

You may ask why?
Well, because it's winter, and by that I mean....
It's too cold to wash my hands.


I mean, I do wash my hands, but I end up holding in whatever is trying to come out for a long time because I don't want to wash my hands and then be all cold.
So what that's why I don't like going to the bathroom anymore.
It's silly, I know, but yeahh, it's the truth.

about a girl.

My heart is left in a frail state. It has a case of the aches. Fine lines define how breakable it really is and no one knew that any better than you. You were the only thing that made my world go round, and now I feel I'm just stuck. I feel like everyday is a rainy day and lack an umbrella.

I remember the day, and let me emphasize the word day. Prior to that day, there were no fights, close to no days apart, and total and complete devotion. Effortlessly, I stared into your eyes, and meant every word I said, and just fit so naturally into your arms. I'm not one to believe in fate, but you almost changed my mind. But back to that day; I'm sure I just about turned blue. My breath was safely held inside my pink lungs, next to my loudly beating heart, and above my knotted stomach. I could tell you had something on your mind, and so I asked, despite me fears. I looked to your eyes, like I once so easily did, and your eyes were not level with mine. You're eyes were at the ground as you bit your bottom lip, the one that I use to bite. So my eyes quickly shifted, and all I could see was a round, black splat on the ground that looked like gum that had been stepped on for the past three months.

that's when you laid it on me, real thick. Not only did you not feel for me anymore, but you didn't because you felt for someone else. How could you go from me being your one and only, the one who you spent just about every day with, the one you spent time trying to woe, to me being nothing? When did you even have time to make sure you really even liked this other girl? All I could do is feel hopeless. No tears fell, no pleading, no hurtful words, but a soft and hallow "okay" emerged from my quivering lips. I knew this meant there would be no more lakeside cupcaking, no more late night conversations about nothing, no more telling my parents that you were different.

I felt as low as that splat. That day, the day you told me you changed your mind, the day I found out how quickly life switches lanes, and how much you really had a hold on my life, was the end of us. I can't say I'm happy about it, but it happened, and now there is no where to go but away. So that's what I plan to do, go away. The worst part was that I didn't yield to any of the warnings, and I have to live with not knowing when things went wrong. Not knowing when you started to not feel for me. I know you didn't just wake up and decide against it. Well, not that it matters now, but you've made me a fool, like I heard you've done to many others, and I just fall into the list of hopefuls that have been shot down. Funny how high school relationships work. Will it be like this when I get out? I sure hope not.