a child is born.

If my civic
and my green car

had a baby.

that baby would be MY CAR.

Hyundai Elantra.
a grandma car.

I need to name her still.
and get insurance. lol.
oh, and seat covers.

New years eve...

and I'm home. writing blogs. eating pizza rolls.

my parents aren't letting me go out.
I have the flu, and it's ruining my life.



can I get a "aww hell naw."


I'm pissed to say the least.

Regarding the "creeeeeped" blog.

I have someone talking shit to my friends.
And really, i feel bad for that, because it's kinda my fault.

My blogs about mine and Nico's constant battle to be friends has fueled someone to make a myspace and think they have to fight battles for me. They talk shit to some of my best friends, Zach and Kevin, and apparently to everyone on Nico's top.

Everyone on Nico's top is my friend, and I think it's sad that I had to get them into this.
I'm sorry Zach and Kevin.
I'm sorry Nico.
I'm sorry to everyone who got a message.

I'm kinda embarrassed about it.
No one really deserves to get something like that over myspace, that's just dumb.

"Hey Anna, where have you been?"

-Oh you know, having fun. Sorry, i've just been busy.
"Busy with what, if you don't mind?"
-Well, having fun, doing fun things, being alive finding things to write about.
"awesome"
-yes, awesome.

I wish this is how the conversation between me and my blog went....
in reality, this was it.

"Hey Anna, where have you been?"
-sick
"Really? With what?
-The flu, and on top of that, work
"hope you feel better"
-Yeah, me too.


Awe fiddlesticks.
flu=1, Anna=-7

abort abort abort.

creeeeeeeped.

One of those moments...

when I just look back and ask myself...
"what the hell was I thinking?"


Right now I'm looking at two things.
why did I even bother?
and
Why didn't I just do it?


well, life is weird, and I do the things I shouldn't, and don't do the things I should.

i'm hoping next year will be spent pursuing more of the things that I know I should, and less of the things that I know I shouldn't.

as for right now though...
What the hell was I thinking with THAT guy?
he's not even cute or cool or really interesting to me.
wow, how lame.

If I died tonight.

I would be satisfied. I don't know one thing I could do today to offset any of the decisions I have made. I've said my sorrys, my I love yous, stated my opinion, and given my time to people I really love. If I was to die, right this minute, or at midnight tonight, I wouldn't be too disappointed in all that I've done, and all that I haven't done.

One think I've learned to accept, but wished was different is the lack of closeness I have with my dad. Growing up, I freared him, and I think it's simply because I didn't know him, but what I did know was that he had so much rule and control over my life. He was home, but never really home, not around my family at least. He had his own family in the garage, his friends, and they were often picked over us. What I saw of him was yelling, lethery hand spankings, and smoking. I don't understand why he chose, or still chooses them over us. Us as in the children whom he willingly created and wanted to bring into the world. Why would he want to miss out on his children growing up, on our lives, on our plays, recitles, our big moments? I know I make him nervous, and I think he may have a serious anxiety problem, but I don't know how hanging out with his friend in the garage makes that problem any better, or mends his lost time with us.

So I guess what question I would really like to know, something that would put me kinda at ease when I die is if he wished he would have done anything different, or be proud of what he's done and the time he spent with me. I accept that he wasn't there, and he isn't here for me now. But even if I didn't accept it, I don't think there would be anything he could do at this point in time to make up for all that has happened, and all that hasn't.

This is something I wrote in Creative writing as my final.
It was followed with a letter I wrote to my Father.
My eyes were filled to the brirm with tears, trying to flow over.
I just think that it was about time I wrote that letter, and I'm not finished with it yet.
However, that is much too personal to share at this time.

17,

Yeah, I know i just wrote a blog about hurrying to find someone.
but this contradicts that.

I'm 17, and that's super young.
Why am I soooo concerned with not dating someone because it might not work out.
REALLY? Okay, I'm 17, this should be about fun, and stuff like that.
I really should just go for it. Because although I think he's pretty alright, and his family too, I shouldn't be so afraid with making life happen. I think that I should just do whatever, because I'm only 17, and that's totally not a serious age at all.
I don't know why I get so concerned sometimes...it's really all for nothing.


"there's no point in trying to take ourselves so seriously"
-Flowers for my brain Dear and the Headlights

Babies.

So yesterday, I was talking with Zach and Kevin about stuff.
and I though of my life like this...
In 10 years, I'll be nearing 28.
By 28, I'll probably be married, have a baby, and one on the way.

When you think about it, yeah, it makes sense, right before you're 30 you're life is finally settled and you have things figured, but wait, 10 years doesn't seem like a lot of time.
In ten years, I have to find someone, fall in love, get proposed to, or propose, get married, go on a honeymoon, get a stable living quarters, and have children all while having a job and buying minivans and stuff.

Wow, I don't know if you think about it, but I don't think 10 years is a lot of time, and I really think that this may be a little out of reach for me. 10 years.

But you know, at the same time, everything normally happens soooo quick, I'm not going to be surprised if I'm writing a blog ten years from now, talking about all the things I've accomplished, and all the things that seem out of reach 10 years from then, when i'm 38, nearing 40.

I feel like I should find someone, I feel a little rushed.

burn it.

So I have these items, and I don't know if I talked about them before, but they're items I felt like I NEEDED to burn. I needed to be done with it, so around summer, I decided to burn it, but didn't have the means to...
Well, last night, Zach, Kevin, and I went to Kevin's house and had a fire, and we burned those items. A weird beanie baby, some string, and a box that contained them.

I feel better, and I don't have to look at them anymore.
They once belonged to a friend of mine, who promised to return for them, but never did, and I'm convinced never will. I do wish for him to come back though, because that would be nice. Maybe I burned it too soon, but I don't think so. He's not coming back, and I needed to deal with it, so I BURNED what I had left to remind me of it.

I suggest you burn all the things you are hung up on....
I'm telling you, it feels relieving and does a person good.

****NOTE: This was not nico stuff. This was not an ex-boyfriend stuff. It was just stuff.

Hey, if this is your stuff, and you know who you are because it was such a weird collection of items, you no longer have any incentive to come back. Why did I burn it? Because I don't want to hold onto memories of things that make me feel forgotten.

Gross.

I hate this question....terribly bad.

"why don't you have a boyfriend?"
But it's astronomically worse if it's asked via myspace comment/message.

Okay dude, really?
What if I was crazy, and that's why? I'm not going to admit that's the case if that's the situation, because to me, I'm sane, and to others I would be crazy. So I couldn't tell you that.

Another thing, if I knew, don't you think I would change so that wouldn't be the case anymore? No shit, I would do that.

You're not accomplishing anything with this question other than making that girl think there is something terribly wrong with them.

So hey smartass, don't do it.

Go HOME-MADE or go HOME!

I'm just saying, for home made cookies are so much better than the ones from a mix. For the first time ever actually, I gave someone cookies that I planned to give as a gift from a mix. Not, home made, and to be honest, I felt like I was being kinda bad. Never again.

lol. Poor marcus.

With my down time

I've been doing a lot of thinking.
about who I am, where I'm going, who I'm going with, all that stuff.
Well, I'm not happy with it.

I've built up my life to be something I don't like.
So here I am, trying to change it.


I think I'm a tease. I'm afraid of not getting the timing right on things. I don't think I will make a good girlfriend. I'm pretty sad. I feel like a terrible person. I feel alone all the time. This was not me...and I don't like it.

it's time for a change. Who I'll be, well, who know? Who i'll be with, I don't know that either. How i'm getting there? Not a clue. I'm just going to drop everything...reinvent who I think I am and what I stand for. To tell you the truth, for once in my life I'm really afraid of what's going to happen, and I mean really afraid.

Perspective

Well, in Creative writing, yesterday we had to write from the perspective of someone who is the wrong doer in the middle of some gossip or scandal. most people picked tiger woods, but I didn't because it's whatever and I don't really know whats going on there.
Well, I thought about gossip that I had heard, and stuff I had pretty much accumulated.
And I wrote about something I heard about someone, and I kinda understood them a little better even if this wasn't their situation.


I wrote about a guy, who left a girl for another one.
His intentions were not to be a doucher.
His intention wasn't to hurt this other girl at all, but it happened...
all because the girl he had always liked, the one he felt was unavailable to him
she finally made it possible for them to be together.

so he took that chance, because he was trying to show this girl how much he really liked her...and thought being with someone he had longed for was something he deserved.

Now that I look at it that way, I don't think of him so badly.
I actually kinda respect it.
it's sad that someone got caught in the cross fire, but heyyy, it happens. it's life.

yuck.

Well, here I am, being a single lady...
for like forever long.


I think I'm comfortable with it. I don't know if I'll know how to live differently.
I mean, having to be with someone all the time.
lol. I don't have friends that I hang out with regularly, so I'm not use to that with anyone really.
But I feel like maybe, just maybe, I've forgotten how to be a girlfriend.
Because it's not like I do that kinda stuff, or haven't for a while at least.
This girlfriends stuff i'm talking about....it consists of...
Dressing cute for yo mannn.
Doing cute things like baking brownies for them
saying cute things like "baby, you're my world"
buying stuff at the store that reminds you of them

you know, all that stuff.
I don't think I can do it.
maybe I can.
You know what, I can, it just might take some adjustment time.

hey, I'm writing things because someone is pretty interested in me again.
I know, this is NUTS, I'm NUTS!
Never have I had soooo many different guys attack me in such a short period of time.
Maybe this is a result of me getting HOT over the summer.
Anyway though, I'm thinking this is what it's like for normal high school girls.
They have guys that like them, then go away, then a new one comes and goes, then it's put on repeat. Well, that's my guess at least.

I don't want to go to the bathroom anymore.

You may ask why?
Well, because it's winter, and by that I mean....
It's too cold to wash my hands.


I mean, I do wash my hands, but I end up holding in whatever is trying to come out for a long time because I don't want to wash my hands and then be all cold.
So what that's why I don't like going to the bathroom anymore.
It's silly, I know, but yeahh, it's the truth.

about a girl.

My heart is left in a frail state. It has a case of the aches. Fine lines define how breakable it really is and no one knew that any better than you. You were the only thing that made my world go round, and now I feel I'm just stuck. I feel like everyday is a rainy day and lack an umbrella.

I remember the day, and let me emphasize the word day. Prior to that day, there were no fights, close to no days apart, and total and complete devotion. Effortlessly, I stared into your eyes, and meant every word I said, and just fit so naturally into your arms. I'm not one to believe in fate, but you almost changed my mind. But back to that day; I'm sure I just about turned blue. My breath was safely held inside my pink lungs, next to my loudly beating heart, and above my knotted stomach. I could tell you had something on your mind, and so I asked, despite me fears. I looked to your eyes, like I once so easily did, and your eyes were not level with mine. You're eyes were at the ground as you bit your bottom lip, the one that I use to bite. So my eyes quickly shifted, and all I could see was a round, black splat on the ground that looked like gum that had been stepped on for the past three months.

that's when you laid it on me, real thick. Not only did you not feel for me anymore, but you didn't because you felt for someone else. How could you go from me being your one and only, the one who you spent just about every day with, the one you spent time trying to woe, to me being nothing? When did you even have time to make sure you really even liked this other girl? All I could do is feel hopeless. No tears fell, no pleading, no hurtful words, but a soft and hallow "okay" emerged from my quivering lips. I knew this meant there would be no more lakeside cupcaking, no more late night conversations about nothing, no more telling my parents that you were different.

I felt as low as that splat. That day, the day you told me you changed your mind, the day I found out how quickly life switches lanes, and how much you really had a hold on my life, was the end of us. I can't say I'm happy about it, but it happened, and now there is no where to go but away. So that's what I plan to do, go away. The worst part was that I didn't yield to any of the warnings, and I have to live with not knowing when things went wrong. Not knowing when you started to not feel for me. I know you didn't just wake up and decide against it. Well, not that it matters now, but you've made me a fool, like I heard you've done to many others, and I just fall into the list of hopefuls that have been shot down. Funny how high school relationships work. Will it be like this when I get out? I sure hope not.

Fear.

Some people fear the dark.
Some fear dying.
Some fear spiders.

well I don't fear these things...I'm FEARLESS!
jk. well, in all seriousness, I think I'm afraid of not being happy with who I am, or what I"m doing, and wanting to start over when I'm waist deep in life.

But we'll talk about that some other time.
I had this talk over dinner with my friend Marcus the other night.
About fears, what we fear when I joked about being fearless.
He asked if I was afraid of being unsuccessful....
and I couldn't answer with yes or no, but with a question.
"Well, I guess it depends on how you define success, and what it really means to you. So what is success?"

and for that, he had no answer.

Is success doing the things you always set out to do?
for me, no, because that's always changing.

Is success getting a lot of money?
Money doesn't equal everything in my books. not my motivation.

Is success being happy?
to me, YES. Being successful with life, with anything, is being happy with it.

So in that sense, being unsuccessful is one of my fears.

Ninja assassin.

That movie....fuckin WOW.
ass kicking, like, non stop.


it was PACKED with just...asian ass kicking and sadness, then more ass kicking and severing of body parts.

Was it good? Was it bad?
can't say...it was just an ass kicking and I felt tired after the movie...
as if I did some ass kicking myself. lol.

Beard?

So not all girls find it attractive, but back in the day....wayyy back...it was the thing to have.

so why?
why do guys have beards and girls don't.
yes, some girls do, but not normally.

anyway, why?
so like I do, I did some looking.
and i saw one answer that made some sense.
Females would mate with the hairier men because it showed increased levels of testosterone, and that's a turn on.
more testosterone=more man

so uhhh, men, get a little shaggy...girls like it...it's in the history books.....eh...kinda.
but it worked then, why not now?


So I was talking with Kevin and Zach today...and they compared it to a lion's mane. That a bear is like a lions mane, because the bigger it is, the more "man" they are....and lesser men don't have lion's manes like that.

hahaha. We have interesting conversations sometimes.

Can I get a

HELL YEAH?


tomorrow, thanksgiving.
Yesterday, got my drawing from Jose. Hung out with AMAZING boys who I don't get enough of.
Today, where the wild things are with the boys I don't get enough of.

Dude, things are looking up I think.
like, seriously, I feel as if nothing can bring me down. it's amazing.
My head is in the clouds, my heart beating...my legs working.
sounds like a perfect time for ANYTHING.

You know what

I kinda feel older today.
not so little.
despite some lady thinking I was only 14.
uhhh, yeah...it's the braces.

I realized that in a few short months, I will be able to get into REAL trouble.
fun. Makes me feel dangerous. Edgy. "I cannn break the law, and END UP IN JAIL, but I'll choose to have freedom...but i COULD go to jail if I want"

So I was thinking.
This year, went by SO fast. I feel like yesterday I was at Samantha's house, wondering why nico jumped in the pool in January/December. But it feels good for it to have gone by so fast. I like it. I really feel like I"m going somewhere, even if I've decided to probably just stay home forever.
I"m really not ready to go out anywhere. Not ready at all. But who knows, that doesn't have to stop me.

So I think that I'm very grown up lately. Matured. Kinda, just older. I feel I'm ready for things I didn't think i was ready for before. I think that I learned so pretty sick lessons this year. I think I found a ME that's worth while, despite my down times here and there.

I like being nice. It's just me, and no matter how many times I get put down for it, I know someday, it'll be worth while. And if it's not, I'll still be satisfied being who I wanted to be, because it IS me and what I"m about.

I've come to realize that I don't really pick the best guys. And I know this. I don't know what I'm going to do about this, but realizing it is the first step. Sure, I'm young, how do I expect to pick someone to last forever with. The thing is, I don't, but I'm still picking some pretty dumb choices.

I know I like to be different every once in a while. Do something new. be someone different. I like variety. So, with that in mind, I will embrace the opportunities that come my way, and roll with it. I'll make all the decisions I want to make, and not make the ones I don't want to. I don't do things for others, I do for myself and what i think will benefit me in the best way. Yes, it sounds selfish, but how am I going to make others happy if I can't make myself.

I'm pretty awesome. I say I'm lame, but there is no way that I could be way lame if I have all these great people in my life. It's just not possible. So I'm doing something right...and I don't know what it is, but I think that's my favorite part. Figuring it out would be useless, because it would just go to my head.

I have some amazing people in my life. Really.

I like a lot of indie sad music. And I never put them on my myspace because I'm afraid people would think this is how I really felt, but in actuality, the songs express how I think I should feel. Kinda weird. I don't get too sad, and when I do, it's normally only for a few days at most. Yeah, I go through my funks, but uh...it's no big thing for me. doesn't bother me.


Hey, this year isn't quite over....let's do stuff.

Because I'm a creeper

and myspace lurking is what I do when I'm bored,
I've come to realize something that I totally CALLED in this very blog site was CORRECT!

I'm not going to say what it is, because it'll make me sound even creepier,
but i was right, and can I say it just makes me laugh.
Amusing.
This is probably when being more insecure would help out in my case.
asking questions.
But me, being chill, didn't ask questions....
didn't care about the obvious smiles and flirtatious waves.
What makes me laugh is it happened, with me RIGHT THERE, and that's it.

Amazing how I can just see through it, but do nothing about it. Well you see, I am just TOO CHILL for that. I'm TOO lucky for that. I'm TOO fortunate for life to just fall into place.

This puzzle, well, I don't know what's going to come of it, but can I just say tooolbag much?

I never knew how lucky I truly was until just now.
I'm so thankful for life, and it's way of working out.
I thought I was getting the short end of the stick, but not now.
Today=the start.

My Selling point.

So my best friend Hep and I had a conversation today.
Why we are faced with the decisions we are faced with, or in my case, WAS faced with.


So I started questioning what my selling point is.
I mean, the guys that like me all have nothing in common with each other.
And I don't think I do a real good job trying to get them to like me.
they just do. for no reason really, or so I think.
So what is it?
What do I do that makes me "different" or whatever?
what is it that I do that makes me liked?
My mom said it's because I'm chill, and joke around, and not serious.
i think i'm a pretty serious person most of the time.
and as for joking around, I"m rarely funny, and I mostly just say off the wall things that make the other person out of words. so I don't know how that would good for anyone, putting them in odd positions, and not knowing what to say of how to answer my questions.

They can't say it's my looks, they can't be that superficial.
They can't say it's my charm, because I don't have that.
Can't say it's because I'm amazing, because there's more behind that.

WHAT IS IT?
I can only wonder what makes me so "different" as they say.
Because that's probably one of the most generic answers I've ever heard.
Different isn't always good either.
So I don't see what's so good about me...because to me, I'm just there, average, simple.
I don't try, and know i"m nothing to brag about.
Someday, I hope to be though.

Get NEW!

when you feel there's nothing left, rejoice, take another step, take another breath, and loosen your grip. Holding on to nothing gets in the way of everything. This advice comes from a beaten soul. Why would you listen? Because even though I've been battered, bruised, impaled with bad intentions, I can relate. I've been there, done that, and I'm fine with it. Of course, I'm bitter, and may have bias opinions, but I'm living proof, you can lose all that you thought made you, and rebuild; from the ground up, from the rubble and ash that once composed you, you can start over. Make yourself more durable, sturdy, more personalized, and perhaps better than before. I'm not saying you'll get it the first try, or the second try, but when you get it right, all the debris around you, the garbage that once made you THINK your life was complete will be refreshing to look at. You'll know that it is NOT your life now, and didn't become your life. You'll soon be thankful for those lessons, those heart aches, those bumps and scrapes, everything that brought you to the realization your at now. Self evaluation should be often. Doubt should be natural and frequent. Being sure isn't something to be relying on. We are or we aren't living.

When things end, when I know there isn't anything left to save, when it's done-ski, I know I'll be sad, but I also know i'll be thrilled for the next big thing to enter. I get this high when I feel things just fall into place and work, just happen, just are. They become facts, it's just true.

Currently, I"m waiting for things to just happen. I know they will. it's the inevitable, because it's not possible for NOTHING to happen for the rest of my life. There will be new scars, but there will be new friends, there will be new memories, new elements, and that's what I live for, the NEW. But what I live for more, is to be someone's NEW.

done.

no more bad thoughts. I'm good.
honestly, i feel much better. One day of down time, and i'm good.
almost a week of pondering, figuring, contemplating, but i'm okay with everything now.
And can I just say, it feels soooo good. I feel like I've gotten a piece of me back.
I'm not whole, I'll admit, but not for this reason.
When I become complete, I'll let you know.


ANYWAY


Heyy, so thanksgiving, NEXT WEEK!
I really can't wait. It's by far my favorite celebration of the year.
NO, not because I"m racist, and think giving the Native American's small pox infected blankets and raping them is a good idea, because that's not what I'm about.
I like the food, duhhhh.
So uhhh, my thoughts on the best food.
Lumpy mashed potatoes with home made gravy of course.
nothing tops this.
Grandma Kathy, who might I add is one of the most bomb cooks I've ever known, is having it at her house, and if that wasn't enough, i know grandma Micky and Grandpa Bill will have thanksgiving on saturday or sunday. Then, AUNT CHRISTINA! And this weekend, saturday, I'm going to Aunt Marcy's to visit them. I"m convinced it'll all be grand.
dude, i'm soooooo ready to eat.

And when there's no where else to turn

I go to sad songs.


weird, how I love to listen to sad songs.
and sing them.

Since I have all of next week off, I'm thinking I should paint my room, for funzies.
and perhaps watch a few movies.
hmmm. And sleep and read.

more than not, I think i should keep myself busy.
Definitely going black friday shopping.

I need a something.
I need new.
I need to leave behind my old ways.
my worries.
I need to have fun, for once.
And I think it's going to be a challenge, but I think I can do it.
I just need to think of things differently.
it'll be fine, I know it. It's going to happen for me.
nothing can stop me. I'm convinced.

PS>Esaies, I pretty much love everything about him. He's awesome. Without him, I'd feel empty. So I definitely need to be with him more.
in the mean time, more sad songs.

How I feel today.

I feel down.
and I mean, like, DOWN.


I need a pick me up.
But Really, I need a sign.
Tell me which direction to go. Where to stick my size 7 foot next.

I'm so confused as to what to do about EVERYTHING lately
and so many roadblocks have just put themselves in my way.


I just want everything to be right.
to happen. The way it's suppose to happen.


I believe in simplicity, and as the days pass, I get farther and farther from that concept.
I know what's good for me. and what I should do. But I don't want to fall into routine.
I don't want to be ordinary, or play by all the rules.
I'm kinda a rebel. And yeah, it may get me into trouble, and not make sense, but it's what makes me feel like i'm actually getting somewhere.
Playing by the rules never really gave me too much of a thrill.
I need a thrill. A high. And perhaps a few thermals because the weather is getting super cold.

=D
Hey, November, you SUCK!
I"m just saying, October is normally my month of sucking, and right now, I'm thinking that October had way more kick ass points than November has. It's not over yet, so i'm hoping something GOOD, GREAT, BITCHIN' will happen, and make me forget the sucking that has been so far.

So I hate it when

I feel like the words I just said

get spit back out at me.

I'm thinking maybe I should get a different blog for my more psrsonal thoughts. or stop doing this and switch back to journal.

actually, I think that does sound better.

Point break

well, not as effective as other workshops I've been to.
However, it really just opens my eyes.


there are so many broke people out there, who don't know their true worth to the rest of the world.
well, i love you.

I just want to fix everyone....
make it better.

Well....matt's out.

doesn't want to wait anymore.


understandable.
ouch.


Well, I told him not to leave.
and failed to sway him.
NEVER have I asked someone not to leave.
It hurts my pride I think, and makes me look weak.
totally out of character for me. I'm much to proud to say those kinda things, but that's what I did, and don't know why, because who would want someone to come back if they wanted to leave anyway? I mean, that's not healthy, won't be healthy, and never will be healthy.


I didn't cry about this, which I guess means it's not too bad.
but I can't say I don't feel dumb about it all.
I actually feel quite relieved about it though. And I don't know why.
Goooodbye stress? hopefully.

fine....DON'T TEXT ME BACK

=/
it's simple. I feel terrible.
it's tearing me up inside.
I don't want to be pushy, but I don't want to be IGNORED.


well, in any case, this is not fun.
even if this is for the best, i still HATE feeling rejected by people.
I just wish everyone accepted me, and wanted me to be in their lives.

add another name to the list.

I just don't understand why things have to be so complicated.
and why ANOTHER GUY tries to come into the mix.
knowing what's going on.
and promising me this and that.



yucky.
can I stop being such a flippin weirdo.
What is it that I do that makes me desirable sometimes?
And I say sometimes because I either have more than one boy liking me, or none.


sick man.
Can I just say, i'm flippin EXHAUSTED from everything.
i neeeeeeed a vacation.
rest.


cheer today...welll, let's just say I don't like having it two days in a row in the cold. it's toooooo much.


duuuuude, fml.
Oh, and uhhhh, I believe Matt is mad at me. Perhaps he read this. hahahaha.
oh man, he really needs to get over himself sometimes.

To show you the different between the two.

Oh hi.
Uhhh, so where do I start.
These past probably, three or so weeks, i've been tired, stressed.
Okay, so I'll tell you what's up, because I'm convinced hardly anyone reads this anyway. Except Mixy every once in a while. THANK YOU! lol.

Guy number one. Matt. Oh buddy. Well, he is that football player, that comes off like a d-bag. He's a junior, real tall, and pretty into me. The things I like about the idea of being with him is:

• He goes to my school. I see him there a pretty good amount. It's nice, and I like it because if we don't see each other after school, I still get to see him.
• Things seem so effortless with him, natural. He's like "hey, let's hang out for an hour of two" and I say okay, we hang out, and I go home, and things are cool. I feel like i don't even have to try at all to make things work, they just do.
• He already treats me like his girlfriend. We're pretty much like a couple, in every way just about. It feels good.
• Something really draws me to him, and I don't know what it is, but it's there. It's strange.
  

• He's convenient. Picks me up. Works around my schedule. Knows how to chill without over doing it. He's just there. Just a text away from a conversation.
• I know it would be work on both parts of this relationship, but I feel it would be kinda equal work. We're honest with each other about what's going on in our lives. I feel super comfortable with him.
  

The BAD

• He seems like a total DOUCHE BAG. He's into himself. Total jock really. and sometimes I feel he's insincere with some of his words.
  
• He asks me to go out places, like ice cream of food or starbucks, and of course I say yes, and he makes ME PAY. And not just for myself, because that would be no problem, but he asks me, then has me pay for everything by asking right before he orders "you got me, right?" Yeah, it's wrong. But what am I suppose to say, no? because It would be rude to eat in front of him and not get him anything. I've talked to him about it, and he still continues to do it, and I told him it's a sensitive subject for me, and doesn't seem to phase him.
• Something inside me says to be scared of him. The possibility of a relationship. Like, this guy has the possiblity to really mess up my life. He and I hang out just about everyday, and honestly, if he was just to up and leave me, I would have nothing. My friends are gone, and the ones that aren't have lives. I need him to be reliable, and be there for me because I feel he's all I got.
  
• he's putting my wallet through stress. Seriously. I'm not very stingy with my money, but I don't have the money to be taking him out three to four times a week.

Then there's Jose. Total sweetheart, he's in Hector's band, adorable, and just all around awesome. It's weird how we met, but it happened, and now we're here. For a while, Jose was the only guy I wanted to date. I solidly adored this guy, and really couldn't wait for us to ACTUALLY be official. To spend more time together, all that good stuff, yanno?

the good

• Jose and I are like THE SAME PERSON. We listen to a lot of the same music. Dress kinda similar. Have the same view on most things, all things if I can recall correctly. We are pretty much the same, and that's cool.
• The biggest sweetheart you'll ever meet. He's always asking about my day, telling me how much he adores me, he's there to listen to my problems, just a real good guy. I would be crazy not to admire this about him.
• I have zero doubt that he wouldn't leave me for a stupid reason. I have a feeling that he would be here to stay, and that's real reasuring.
• I really don't see Jose and I getting in a fight, like, ever. He's real understanding. He would care if I wanted to chill with my best friends from out of town instead of him every once in a while. I just can't even imagine what we would fight about.
  
• He's super respectful and real chivalrous. Like, offers to pay for stuff, cross you across the street, gentleman status. it's great.
  

The bad

• Jose and I established that we wanted to date, and that we were interested in each other about three months ago. and ummm, nothing really happened. We hung out a few times, and there was a brief holding of hands when we crossed the street, but that's about it. I felt like all the things he said were good, but when we would be together, he really only wanted to be friends.
• This relationship is super safe. I know he likes me, and I know I could be content. But I have a feeling that I wouldn't feel like things were exciting, or new, or anything like that. I would feel stuck, even though I wouldn't really be. There's nothing wrong with safe, but just knowing him to be around isn't really enough for me.
• This relationship seems like a lot of work on my part. I know all relationships require work, but I feel this one would be a little bit more one sided, my side. it's been this long, and he hasn't really showed me much of him liking me. So I would have to be the aggressor, which isn't my thing. I would also always have to be the ride, probably the decision maker for everything, while trying not to feel stressed about doing so much work.
• He only sped things up when I told him that Matt tried to charm me away from him, and that is was starting to work. He asked me to be his girlfriend a few days after I told him, and then started to ask about making plans and stuff. I kinda feel like the only reason he did this is because there was someone else, not really because he wanted to. Insincere.
  
• I've been SO frustrated in just wanting him to sweep me off my feet, and just make me all his, and him all mine. Like, i waited a long time, and now it just frustrates me to think about all that time that went by, with nothing really happening.
• Jose and I only see each other like, once every two weeks. He goes to EU, and has other obligations. Yeah, I do too, but I still feel more available than i think he is.
• Sometimes, I feel he says the things I want to hear, because we don't really disagree on anything. What if he really doesn't see things the way I do, and just says he does to "get on my good side."
  

Decision MADE (kinda)

So I know what I must do.


and it may make no sense to anyone else.
In fact, when I think about it, it may not make any sense at all.
I could very well be regretting my actions.
However, I think it's probably the best option.


I literally think I'm messing up.
but I keep thinking that it's going to be okay.
I know a week from not, I'm probably going to say, "dude, I wish I wouldn't have been so irrational" but here I am, still planning on it being my next move.


can I just say, I'm weird. My thought process isn't right. My wants don't match up with logic, or anything really. I'm thinking this will get quite interesting.

UPDATE

Cheerleading.
Yesss, it's happening still.
Football season is actually almost over, AMAZINGLY.
So, I had a conversation with my swim coach(Mrs. Silva/Ruble), pretty much one of my favorite people EVER, and she was asking me if I still fight the good fight. Of course my answer is yes, but lunchbag chimes in, and tells her that I have conformed A LITTLE.
Now, I wouldn't really call it conforming, more of, being cliche.
So here it is, how I'm being a cliche, sterotypical cheerleader.
FOOTBALL PLAYER.
Okay, so I'm kinda interested, and he's really interested.
This are, confusing to say the least. I, the girl who was known as the girl who does this *swings arms around in poor conducting imitation*, now am a cheerleader.
I wish I could say it didn't change my status, and maybe it's wrong of me to say this, but I think it has. I don't think this guy would talk to me if He didn't see me parade around in my little uniform. I would have never caught his eye, sparked any interest, or even know my name. This may be incorrect, but this is how I feel.
So interested you may ask? why?
Well, I don't know really. Here I am, like "nahhhh, not the guy for me" and originally I really thought he only asked me to the movies because he wanted a free one, and I'm the one that could hook it up...he claims this wasn't the case. Sooooo, I don't know what it is about him that makes me interested. I mean, we're totally different. Different taste in everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I don't know why, but when we chill, it just comes so natural. effortless. Nothing is trying, or rought, it's no work. Sure, we already got into a disagreement, but everything just seems so realistic, and it's relaxing. So why am I NOT his girlfriend. Heyyy, good question.

He's asked me. More than once. He's sincere I think. I don't know what the hold up is, and my mom that I shouldn't torcher him, because I already feeeel we're a couple really. If I was to leave him, I'm pretty sure he'd be mad. What I DO know i'm waiting for is for something to fall through, sadly. Yeah, I know, I'm sick. lol. Also, I'm waiting to be proved wrong.

Into the life of a Cheerleader....AWESOME. it's a lot of long practices, fun dances, and so far really putting STRESS in my life.

"I'm nothing like I'd like to be"

Today, after I was so sure, so definite, I no longer am.

Today, after much thinking, and figuring who I am REALLY, I just proved to myself I am not that person.

I need to find something to discover myself with. Something that defines me.
I don't know what that will be.
I'm hoping to feel better, because I'm feeling real down about EVERYTHING right now.


thanks dude.

It consumes my mind lately.

the saying from little miss sunshine, which is a pretty good movie.
"do what you love, and fuck the rest"


I really think i should live by this, kinda.
Because I know my actions would make sense to me, but i don't think they would to anyone else.


I'm thinking I should though.....
because it goes back to the "fuck the rest" part.


I'm sooooo done with being stuck. I'm soooo done with everything.

Uncomfortable?

Doesn't happen to me.
Tonight, which I will not speak of at this point and time, would have been something most people would feel uncomfortable with, and Me, shameless me, blew it off. siiiiiiick.

Unless you stare at me, then I feel real uncomfortable.


What does make me comfortable, is making others uncomfortable.
like, the other day.
Heppard and I went on this long adventure to get some food and coffee on a gusty day. So my hair is strategically placed in a side pony, and my big glasses that look like real ones are on, and I'm wearing big baggy clothes to keep me warm.

We're eating in McDonald's, when I notice a kid outside throwing a fit.
So I decided to mess with him a little bit.
He comes inside, but doesn't leave the door area. So I stare at him. Intensely, and smile real big.
Our eyes meet, and at first he doesn't think i'm staring, but then, suddenly, he knows it, and looks away real quick and I laugh quietly to myself, not to give away that my stares aren't serious. So he keeps looking back at me, to see if I'm still looking at him. Of course I do this until his departure. He was soooo uncomfortable, and creeped out, that I almost got a high off of it. It was goood. I thoroughly enjoyed giving this kid something to think about when he was on his car ride home, instead of throwing another fit.

Kids=THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST!

Trouble with a capital T

I sometimes make bad decisions.
actually, I often do.
This whole "live life as it comes" thing seems terrible right now.
Things are happening, and they're not good, and i"m doing nothing about it.
I'm actually just going along with it.

so what's wrong with me?
why do I have to be such a dick?
Because it seems like that's all that's going on for me right now.
I'm not making good choices.
So i'm miserable, and it's my fault, becuase I put myself here...
so there is no one else to be made at, just me.


I liked it better, when I didn't have options.
and i just went along with anything that would come up,
because there was nothing else for me.
What the hell is happening to me?
I guess well see.

Maybe I'll go with the flow.
maybe I'll start actually thinking. for serious.
ehhhhh. this is weird.

Cuddle me.

it's cuddle season.
it's getting cold, and that makes people want to get closer.
I'm definitely a sucker for that.
I feel deprived of it right now.
I just want to hold someone, feel warm, safe.
this whole week has been like that.
I lay in bed and wish Teddy Freddy were real, and could actually hold me tight.

but I'm stuck in reality. Where stuffed bears don't really cuddle you back. Where I don't have some one to cuddle with. Where it's growing colder and colder, and all I want to do is hold someone...

oh goodness. Global warming either needs to hurry up, or I need a cuddle buddy.
Now accepting applications.

=D

I enjoy

waiting things out.


because I'm convinced it's the only way.
simple as that.

I'm not attracted to douchers.

so why are you attracted to me?


Uhhh, the most random guys have things for me. Like, I'll have sweethearts, and douchers, then weird, geeky guys, then I don't know, the indescribable.

What is it about me that draws them to me? I'm like, not too strong with anything.
I don't have a strong personality, and if you talk to me, I think I have none to begin with.
Uhhh, I can't flirt...like, seriously.
I'm like an old lady....arthritis and all.
I'm totally awkward.
I'm really weird.


So why would some guy who probably talks to hella girls find any kinda interest in me.
because I'm not that girl.
I don't party.
I don't drink.
I'm not dtf.

So what is it?
I"m puzzled.

if you think this is about you, chances are it's not. lol.
because this doucher wouldn't read my shit. lol.

Creative writing.

my favorite class this year probably.
I really enjoy it. totally awesome.
This is something I wrote in that class one day.
Of course, i touched it up a bit.

Dear Almost.
I might have taken a chance if any possibility had remained. Even if it would have weighed out to be little to none, I'm certain I would have gone for it, or maybe even still go for it. Although now, a less naive girl than I once was, would be more hesitant to take such a chance.

I might have taken a chance if I felt that you wanted me, the way that I wanted you. There was a time, when we were both on the same page, and all the oddly shaped pieces that were our lives, seemed to just work, fall into place. However, that was then, and this is now, and all those pieces have come detached, lonely, and out of place.

I had always had hope for us. Not a day went by without a love song to tease my ears, and I was stuck thinking about you, and how if all those pieces did fall into place once more, these songs would no longer taunt my heart, but be fond reminders of what I had.
We thrived in my dreams.You were that no-op parked in my heart. I had paid the price to keep you there. Sacrificed possibilities of what I could have had, all because I had you, even if I really didn't. You kept me in on weekends. You kept me home from dates. You kept me on my stoop, awaiting your arrival, despite the distance.

Then our fate took an unsuspecting turn, for even worse. You told me you were to move even farther, thousands of miles, and as my speechless lips couldn't seem to touch, due to my jaw being on the floor from shock. As I manually bring them together with my hands, i just keep telling myself not to cry. You went from semi-intangible, to completely out of the question. And that wouldn't change, not even if I had cried all the tears humanly possible.

Currently, you are being you, somewhere new, and I'm here, being me, but missing a chunk that I had once called hope, and I know we don't talk anymore, but I don't know why you don't attempt it. Maybe you wonder the same thing. Maybe we don't talk for the same reasons. We're afraid. Afraid to think about something that could be great, but isn't possible.You're the last person I want to see at my door, and the holidays and summer scare me for this reason. I hope you forget to drop by, like you have before, and have lost hope like me. If you do feel like I do, i'm sorry because I know how bad it feels to have your heart squeezed at someone else's unintentional mercy. I wish that upon no one, but especially not you.

Always, missing you.

Pretty sad. It made me sad writing it.

What if?

Ummm. well, most people have that person that seems ideal.
Like, the person who you just know would be perfect for you, if things were to work out the way they should. And if you don't have one of these people, chances are you either don't care, or you're with someone you really love.

I think your mission should be to get rid of that what if person.
I know someone, who has a girlfriend, and loves her a lot, and she loves him back. they're happy together, and fight like normally people do sometimes, but HE has a what if person. He feels for some other girl, he wishes things would be perfect so THEY could be together, and often ponders if he'll ever get his chance to sweep her off her feet. But this doesn't stop his life from happening. He still has that girlfriend that he loves, he still has good times with her, and has been with her for a long time. I think if he was to go out with this other girl, and they broke up, she would still be his what if person UNTIL he found someone who makes him know things are right.

So if you are in a relationship, I think it's okay to go into it even if you have someone else on your mind, or in your dreams, but try to find people not to fill your physical needs, find someone who could possible take away your doubts.

For My Gurrrrl.

So today, i was talking with a close friend of mine, who is having a hard time.

I felt bad, because I couldn't lie to her, and tell her things would get better, or easier, or anything. All I could do is tell her, bluntly, was "i'm sorry, but things just get more complicated as time goes on. You're at a rough part, i know, I've been there, but things aren't going to get any easier."

Routines. If you have the same boyfriend for a long period of time, it's hard not to just go for their hand, or give them that extra long, warming, hug, or sometimes feel like you should go in for a kiss. That's what you're use to, and that's all there is to it. It's hard to break those habits, and it's even harder for you to see that they could just pick up those habits quickly with others. If you never felt like this, you haven't been in a good relationship yet.

I think it's hard to get over people if it was a good relationship for any period of time. You should feel something after it. Like wishing things were better. If you don't, it wasn't worth your time, and you should feel dumb. I'm not making fun of anyone, because I've been there too, but really, as sad as it sounds, you should strive to look for these things. Strive to look for the people who can hurt you. Look for the people who have possibilities of making greatness with you. Even if you don't make greatness, those are the people you need. Because you know if something, one little variable was different, things would be amazing. And everyone deserves amazing. Striving for it should be your motives behind everything. I've you don't think about going back ever, I'm sorry. Doubting if you made good choices to let things leave, or for you to leave, tells you that that person was totally worth your time, and that you almost got it right. You're were close, but you also know that they are not for you, which is one down out of 6 billion people in the world. That's something.

So girl, i'm sorry you're going through such hurt, i've been there, but know that you're headed in the right direction, whichever way that is, because things COULD have been great, but life happens and sometimes things fall apart, but someday, you'll find something that won't, and you'll know that as their variables change, and yours too, you'll find someone. And that at one time, things were perfect, even if they aren't now. That is definitely something you have to show for the time you spent with them. One day, you'll strike gold. You're too great not to. You're to gorgeous not to. You have a glow about you, and I hope that no one will take that away from you. I love you.

The Freemans.

Definitely a Tight Family.
not only as in close, but cool.
They're all real loving, know how to have a good time, and totally GIVE THE BEST HUGS.
I told them about my blog, and how I wrote about the hugs, and they wanted to show me that they could give great hugs too, so each of them gave me a hug.
Oh, nico gave me a hug also because I think he was hurt that he didn't make my top 10 list.
but I think that's what he gets for not hugging me this week.
If you read this nico, which I have a feeling you will, lol, You're hugs are pretty awesome. I think if you would have hugged me that week during the trial, you would have made the list.


Anyway, they're AMAZING hug givers, and I hope to someday have a family as close and wonderful as theirs. It's an inspiration to me that the word family still has value somewhere, and it's not yet obsolete.

Elani- I don't know if that's how you spell your name, but you're hella funny and I love you. If I didn't, i wouldn't have given you my sweater. =D
Ezera- Hella funny as well. You always know how to play off other people's words, and i think it's great.
Esaies-You're my brown counter part. I love you always. We will get married, and that kiss was just the start. lol.
Evett- You're one of the nicest, most welcoming mom's I know. It's rare to find these days. You inspire me to the max with everything. You take care of yourself, Your house, your children, and everything in between. I honestly think you're amazing, and thank you for the book you let me borrow.

Freeman family, you're the best, hands down.

My top 10 huggers.

1. Esaies Freeman
2. Ryan Melton
3. Karl Mitchell
4.Gerry Cooper
5. Samantha Hyles (Kiss on the shoulder)
6.Cameron Solis.
7. Natalie Abuelhaj
8. Mikey Freitas
9.Tyler Friddle
10. Jose ???(I don't know his last name.lol)


My favorite hug ever.....the one where they hug your head. I don't know what it is, but I love it. Only Gerry Cooper and Camo Solis do this, and i think it's because they're taller than me and it's easier that way, but I love it.
=D

Girls didn't step up their game. I actually don't think I hugged these ladies this past week, but I still remember that they're AMAZING!

looking for a good hug on a bad day, check them outttt!

Hug project.

started Friday.

I'm going to get there.
Probably sunday I'll write my review.


as of right now, I'm going to have to say these are my top runners.
Ryan Melton....I think that's how you spell it.
Esaise Freeman....lunchbag.
Karl Mitchell....One of my favorites always.


All I have to say is, Girls, step up your gameeee.
lol.
And if you want to make it on my list, hug me really well!

i need you!

Suicide. What a crazy subject.

Now personally, I've never known anyone to commit suicide. I'm one of the few lucky ones I suppose. But I really just don't understand it in general. I wish to fully understand it.

Here is my views on suicide.

• I think it's sad if you feel so worthless that ending your life is the only option.

• I think it's selfish for someone to think that suicide will only affect them, and not anyone else. The sad thing is them not being able to fully experience what's out there, or let others experience them. The world has so much to offer, and you can offer so much to the world also, so why are you going to call it quits early. You're being unfair, and selfish to deprive the world.
• Why are you not wanting to live your life? There are so many people who wish they could just live a healthy life, terminally ill in hospitals all over, and you're just so quick to throw your life away.
• The most sad thing is not having people to make you feel wanted. Not having someone to stop you. Not having someone to make you want to live. These people exist. They thrive off the lives of others, and maybe you haven't met them yet, or you don't know they feel this way, but they're out there.

I feel bad for these people who feel this is only option. I hope I never lose the will to live, because I know i'll never commit suicide, I would feel too guilty, and would just deal with it.
But then again, who feels guilt after they're dead?

But this guy, he's different...

just about the most cliche statement known to the female mouth.
I don't understand what they mean by different.
Okay, so what are we at, 6 billion people in the world? And somehow girls think that find an "original." Uhhh, i find this highly unlikely. I think everyone is a little unique, but there is always going to be someone out there who is almost the exact same, as much as you try to deny it. How different can someone be anyway? And if he's so different, how did you manage to snatch that one?

Even if you don't think you can get anymore cliche than that, here comes the winner..."all guys are the same." Bull fuckin' shit dude. I know i just said that there is no originals really, but this statement is so degrading to males. Honestly, it's like sexism to me. Clumping all guys into one group saying that all they want is sex is such a lie. I can say I've met some of the sweetest guys ever, and that that is not their only motive. Sure, it may be one, but it's not every guys priority. I think I've actually met more girls who are like that then boys.

I hate grouping people up, as if they don't have a story. You can't clump up something as broad as a sex, and give it a huge title. It just doesn't work that way, and if you think about it mathmatically, the chances of getting all the males in the world to be the same, or have one thing they all have in common, is very little to none.

I've been slacking on writing, I know. I've been busy. but don't you worry, I have plenty of ideas I can just go on and on about.

Inspiration.

I loved reading this blog. It was from a really bright young lady.

=D
you should read it.

get at it.

hug ME!

So what is it that makes all humans want to be held. Well, perhaps not all humans, but most. Honestly, I think it's one of the best feelings in the world, to be in someones arms, and know that they want you to be there. You're not there because you have to be, or because that's their obligation to you, it's a choice.

I would have to say, this is something I miss a lot about being in a relationship. I mean, we all know any sort of relationship is tough. Friendship. More than Friends relationship. Parental Relationship. It's all hard to maintain and keep everyone happy. But the hugs, the cuddling, holding hands, and knowing that they WANT to do that stuff with you is something I can whole-heartedly say i miss.

So this is what I challenge you to do. So that there is less people out there who miss being hugged, and being close to someone out there, give someone a REAL good hug everyday for a week. But switch it up, like give a hug to a different person everyday. Make the hug that you give them the most desired hug that just makes them feel all warm inside.

I will be doing this as well. in one week, I will judge who gives ME the best hugs. Like, a top 5 or so. You should try to make that list, or some other person's list of top 5.

Leaving.

I'm not afraid to branch out in this world, like, at all.
I actually can't wait. I think part of this is because I have nothing holding me here. Sure, i have my family, and for some people that's enough, but for me, I often don't agree with the views and how people handle things in my household. So I think a good visit would be just fine with me. I have no friends keeping me here. I have nothing except my little, ehem, I mean big cat, kitten guy. Other than that, the place were I grew up is nothing to be proud of, nothing too special, and I can get along just fine somewhere else.

So last night, I was looking at different colleges I would like to apply to, and the thought of moving out, and just being by myself didn't scare me. I feel so alone these days. I'm without a partner. There is no one here for me worth staying for, and I really don't think there is anyone that's going to visit me when I'm gone. Maybe just to crash at my place if they're in town. Now, this is something really hard for me to cope with. I always feel so dependent on having loved ones surround me, but right now, I can't even remember what that feels like. I often feel not good enough. Second best. The side thing.

The thing that gets me is why? Why is there no one for me? why is it that the people that mean the most to me don't care for me back? or even consider me these days? Maybe I'm just too vain, but I really don't see anything too wrong with me to have no one really care how I am. I swear I'm nice. I swear I try to be friendly. I swear I'd give almost anything for the people I love. But somehow, that's not good enough for them. They must go out, find their main people, and leave me to when their number one is busy.

So picking up and leaving isn't so bad for me. I've been so sad lately. Lonely. Feeling unimportant. At least if I leave, I can just keep telling me that they WOULD be there for me if there were closer. I think that would make me feel better. Because right now, they have no excuse to my knowledge to not be here for me. It hurts, to say the least.

post-coital cigarette

Interesting.
I was walking home the other day, and some people I was walking with started talking about smoking, and how cliché it was. And the only thing I could think of was why people smoke after sex. Okay, so i've never done that, but I've seen it on TV and stuff, and thought, why do they do that? I know smoking is an addiction, but I didn't know why they did that right after sex. So I did some reasearch as I often do when I have time, about something that's boggled my mind. So this is what I came up with.

After sex isn't really the thing. It's suppose to be after an orgasm. And why do they do this? Because the chemicals going through their bodies gives them a rush, right, and basically makes you feel real good. To intensify this is to smoke because it cuts of some sort of circulation to your brain, giving you this high after. So people do this to feel EVEN BETTER after feeling good.



source: http://www.dailynexus.com/article.php?a=8679

After reading this, it also said some other silly things such as after sex game boying. lol. As silly as that sounds, I thought it was funny and bizarre and pretty much the geekiest thing you can do after sex.

you learn something new everyday, right?

Carjack.

So I went to the mall yesterday, and upon leaving got a flat tire.
suuucks right? Now here I am, with a friend, and we've never changed a tire before. I seriously wanted to cry. But WE FIGURED IT OUT, of course after searching my car for all the things we needed to change the tired. Here we are, 9 o'clock at night, in the mall parking lot, changing my tire. Then driving home. Since it's a doughnut, I can't go past 50, or at least I'm not suppose to. So i'm going 55 on the freeway on my way home. I think I had more people mad at me in this 15 minute drive than ever. I think it was probably the funniest, most worth while experience i've had all week.

But while I was at the mall, another first happen. I was at forever 21, and there was a really long line to get into the dressing room. So I said, "hey, since when have I ever cared about anything?" so it's a dress, and I just put it on over my tank top, in front of the line of people and an ex boyfriend, and it doesn't fit. I normally wear a size small, and it would have fit, except, it didn't go past my boobs. Okay, now that's a first. I'm not big whatsoever, and this happens to me in front of a whole group of people. I fall to the ground in hysterical laughter since I can't believe this is happening to me. Well, at that point, I didn't even want to grab a bigger size even though I really liked the dress. So I just left. My ex said "most girls would be happy to bustier" and it's not that I was mad or sad, I was just embarrassed in front of a bunch of people.

Yesterday, fuckin' bomb as hell, even though I now have no dress and have to buy a new tired. I'm just saying, I'll remember it forever.

A promising future.

Senior year started for me today.
different. Not really actually. My classes seems so much easier than they did last year, none the less I have to be there though. So, one of my philosophies states that one has to have motivation in their life in order to exist and actually live. Without a goal, you might as well be dead, you're going no where and doing nothing and have nothing to live for.

This year however, I don't know how many goals I'll actually go through with. I'll come up with them as I go. Basically, I just want to feel alright. That would be awesome. Motivation....you're awesome. I'm too tired to think.


ahhhhhh.
first day. weird. Cheer uniform made me feel uncomfortable. Easy classes. Lots of new faces for me. Can't wait to get this year going honestly. I need something new in my life.

Summer Evaluation.

sooo, I had high hopes of getting hot this summer.
FAILED!
DIDN'T get awesome. In fact, I got negative awesome points.
DID NOT get hot. I actually did for about 3 weeks, then lost it all.
DID NOT get crazy at all.

Negative points was for being a tool and naive due to a boy. Perhaps more than one.

not hot is from having my wisdom teeth taken out and gaining weight due to my all ice cream diet for two weeks.

not crazy is due to me just staying home and working all summer.


My summer felt short. Pretty much, I failed summer, but you know what, I think my values changed a little bit half way through. I lost my drive. I'm the only one to blame really. Buuut, over all, summer was chill.

Goodbye summer. You're one HOT momma.

Facials!

lol. I think it's cute that in Cheer they call "facials" the faces you make in your routine or whatever.

anyway. I love how people can sound mean, but if you look at their face, you know they're not. I love faces and different expressions in them. That's really the best way to tell if someone is joking or being serious. Well, maybe not the best way but the easiest way. Anyway, I think that's one of the biggest disadvantages to having a pin pal, or being blind, or paralyzed in the face or whatever, if that's even possible.

Sarcasm is funny. But I have a hard time with it sometimes because people try to look serious when they do it.

I don't know what the point of this blog was really. I just thank god for my good eyesight, even if I wish for glasses all the time and actually bought clear lenses.

=D

Tradgic times.

So I go to school today, to get my schedule and whatnot, and am so shocked as to how to economy has impacted everyone SO MUCH. Teachers lost jobs. People got moved around. Increasing class sizes. The education of my generation is jeopardized because of this. One thing that really got me was a phone call i recieved that went out to the whole district. Buses are not longer going to be available to people far away. Terrible. I can relate when not everyone has a car. Really, it's unfair to the students who may not be able to get to school safely because of being forced to walk/bike. It's a dangerous world and now people are sent walking. Another thing that was a big wake up call was not being in my AP class because they are only having one class of it, which happens to be the only period they have band. Hmmm. It's also the only conditioning class for girls basketball. Leadership. and Psychology. Unfortunately, I picked to stick with band. Interesting.

Upside to this. My year is Terribly easy. siiiiick.
and I don't have to finish those books.


=D
I'm sooo close to senior year. I can't wait to just start it already so I can finish it!

Little brothers.

Goodness! Why are they soooo annoying. I'm convinced that my little brother is the would have to be one of the most awkward, unfunny, weird, and annoying person i know. I know some pretty annoying people, but he takes the cake. I know this sounds really mean of me, but wow, he's getting bad lately. He messes up with EVERYTHING, and somehow it's my fault for not helping him with everything he needs. As if his activities and school work are so much more important than mine. He doesn't know how to joke around without being excessive, or funny even. He's a baby. I don't know what made him this way, probably how my mom treated him like he was dumb his whole life, or like he couldn't do anything. Oh well though, someday he'll grow up...I hope. Or at least find out when it's alright to joke, and how to be funny someday.

btw, he looks just like my father.

Let's burn things.

I have unwanted materials. Things that make me sad. Things that will always make me sad. I'm thinking that perhaps I'll go find other people like myself that have things they don't want to see again, and we'll go in on this together.


I will never see the rightful owner of these items again, and if I do, it won't make a difference. Burning them is for the best. It might seem crazy, but I need to do it. So it's only three things, so let's do this sometime soon.
=D
Let's do this shit.

Fire=permanently gone.
i'm silly.

Oh buddy.

What is a girl to do?
Just when I think I have things figured out, life throws me a curve ball.
I have options. I can chose two different paths at this point, but I don't know which I would like to chose. It may seem simple to most, but I feel kinda obligated to be NICE and DIRECT. So now I just have to muster up the strength to do so. And be direct about what? that I don't know what to do or what to say anymore? hahaha. I'm soooo dumb sometimes. I feel like things can wait on one path, but I think that would probably be the better one to chose. But the other one...that seems like it might be a different experience. It would be less work on my part, but it's totally unpredictable.

if things were easy, I think I would have a boring life, but right now, hmmmm, interesting. It's weird how every little thing can alter your life so much.

Heavy thinking.

I really should read through these. Here I am, thinking about stuff on my way home and talking with Hep about life and boys and girls and craziness, and I think back to a previous blog I wrote.

about my dream guy.
There's that guy that EVERYONE seems to want me to date. Nice guy. Really nice guy. But since everyone was pushing him on me, I was more reluctant to push him away. But then hector puts it to me like this.
"wow, look at the other guys you dated. Seriously, they were douches! Why did they deserve a chance with you and he does when he's so much better than them."
then I though. There is NO GOOD REASON for me not to. Like, none. Why am I being dumb? What happened to trying new things and becoming bitchin? Dude, I need to live my life. Do something different with it. Experience all that I can.


what if he's the guy? the dream guy? I said myself "it's not going to be someone that I automatically fall head over heels for, but it's someone that I will grow to love out of nowhere really"

Come on anna. Think hard! what's your next move?

Disrespected.

Me? Of all people to disrespect.
I don't understand.

My friends, well, not even, my brother's friends asked if they could come to tag, and I said I didn't like it, but they came over. So the agreement was that they would park someone unrelated to me, and go, but then I said that I didn't like it. I didn't want them doing it around here. but this is what followed.

The guy brought his pregnant girlfriend. I invited her inside. Things go all dandy, except I'm tired and fall alseep before she leaves. When I wake up, my brother tells me that they Tagged my next door neighbor's house. WOW. FUCKIN" REALLY?
If I say I don't want it to be around my house, alright. There is plenty of fuckin PUBLIC SHIT you can tag, not people's fences. Especially right next door. I feel so much anger right now it's weird. I don't get angry like this.

This guy that is the ring leader of it all. FUCK. I use to think of him as a good, well, alright guy. But not anymore. And it's not only this that's making me think this way about him now. He's been real bad with everything lately, and here I am, trying to stay out of the whole fucking over a lot of people I know, but not anymore. I'm not going to put his dirt on blast because I once looked at him like a brother, but wow, he's no longer allowed in my fuckin' house again. Around it. Nothing.

My lesson from this. People who you once think to be great can change. All it takes is drugs, cheating, a loss of identity, and a breaking point. After that, they're not coming back, so don't expect them to respect you or anything else that is thought to be common sense.

Hey...you look kinda cute.

So this is real. Yeah. My uniform.


weird? that's right. I'll have better ones up when I really have to wear it.

=]

Cheer Camp.

Different. I don't think I've ever had to be around girls so much.
it was a refreashing change. I don't know if I'd like it FOREVER, but for now it's not bad.

But anyway....I have a cheer outfit(s) now, and I have to say it makes it a little more real for me. I AM doing this. I AM doing the unexpected. I AM learning about different interactions already. I congratulate myself for saying positive, even if I'm scared as hell.


Guess what. I'll have a treat for you SOON!
Possibly...A PICTURE of me in the outfit. It'll make it real for you too!
=]
Good to be home where I can blog when I want to.
did a lot of thinking while I was gone....have some gooood topics to discuss and research.

Michael Berry. The Man. The Myth. The Legend

7/21/2009
4:46 PM
live love ride:
hi
……………………………………………………………………
4:46 PM
Anna:
hi.
……………………………………………………………………
4:46 PM
live love ride:
whats up
……………………………………………………………………
4:46 PM
Anna:
Just got home from a day out with my mom.
I'm tired. lol
……………………………………………………………………
4:52 PM
live love ride:
lol
what did u 2 do
……………………………………………………………………
4:53 PM
Anna:
Shopping for stuffffff. I'm going to cheer camp tomorrow, so I had to get some stuff.
……………………………………………………………………
4:53 PM
live love ride:
damn =)
thats hot
expecally when ur very pertty
……………………………………………………………………
5:02 PM
live love ride:
dont wana talk
……………………………………………………………………
5:07 PM
Anna:
Oh, sorry, I was talking with my mom.
ummmm, thanks?..
……………………………………………………………………
5:07 PM
live love ride:
i just wana go crazy with cheerleaders
while they r in their uniform
……………………………………………………………………
5:08 PM
Anna:
Hmmm. okay.
……………………………………………………………………
5:09 PM
live love ride:
fuck them hard o fuck yay
……………………………………………………………………
5:09 PM
Anna:
I'm unfomfortable.
bye.
……………………………………………………………………
5:10 PM
live love ride:
what?
……………………………………………………………………
5:11 PM
Anna:
uncomfortable***
……………………………………………………………………
5:11 PM
live love ride:
dont u want it
……………………………………………………………………
5:12 PM
Anna:
no. No i don't.
……………………………………………………………………
5:14 PM
live love ride:
lol sorry i was in the mood XD
……………………………………………………………………
5:15 PM
Anna:
bye.
……………………………………………………………………
5:15 PM
live love ride:
why
……………………………………………………………………
5:15 PM
Anna:
i'm uncomfortable.
I don't feel like talking.
……………………………………………………………………
5:15 PM
live love ride:
what kinda cheerleader r u =/
……………………………………………………………………
5:20 PM
live love ride:
anna
?
……………………………………………………………………
5:35 PM
Anna:
I don't feel like talking.
……………………………………………………………………
5:35 PM
live love ride:
rnt u a cheerleader tho
……………………………………………………………………
5:36 PM
Anna:
Yes, but I don't feel like talking. Regardless of what activities I partisipate in, I still don't feel like talking.
……………………………………………………………………
5:36 PM
live love ride:
to me or any1
……………………………………………………………………
5:37 PM
Anna:
What does it matter? I don't feel like talking.
……………………………………………………………………
5:37 PM
live love ride:
=/
im sorry
i just thought u were like that
becuz ur gona b a cheerleader
=/
……………………………………………………………………
5:38 PM
Anna:
fuck off.
……………………………………………………………………
5:38 PM
live love ride:
k



Well, i guess i wasn't warned that people were going to have a preconceived notion about me now....but seriously? I use to work with this guy. Before we worked together, he sent me a message on myspace about 3 or 4 months prior, and called me a border hopper, and I didn't even know him. This was the first time that I had ever been racially discriminated against. Hell, I didn't even know people could tell i was half mexican. Cut me deep, but I decided, "hey, I work with this guy, I'm not going to shun him for the rest of his life, it's not my nature. I'll forgive him."
and now, he thinks we're friends and sends me IM's on Myspace like this.
Hey dude, YOU'RE IGNORANT AND FOLLOW STEREO TYPES WAY TOO MUCH. Get educated about the world around you.

For the record, I didn't think that people became cheerleaders to "do it" with some guy to help him live out his fantasy. If this is the case, don't include me in this statistic.

Braaaaa.

Okay, so when I was trying to get hot, there was one thing that guys told me hot girls had, and that was BIG TITS.
Well, we all no I lack in that department. So i started to ask them guys i asked about "enhancers" such as a water bra, wonder bra, and the push-up bra. Pretty much they told me it was a disappointment. Well, the other day I was shopping for a new bra or two, and I tried on a push-up. Can i just say, wow, it changed my life. I've never tried one on because what if I did and I liked it....well I did like it. Hmmm. Now, should I buy one, and make people think mine are perkier than they really are, or should I just be real?


Boooo! why am i faced with such STUPID questions.

You like me?

I don't understand when guys you don't really know say "Hey, I like you!"
Huuuuuuuuh?
Based on what? I think it's for all the wrong reasons if you like me based off of my looks, or how you would expect me to act, or whatever.


Now this may just be me, but I think Hey, no, you don't like ME...you may like something about me, but not me, personally, because how could you?

Ahhhh, dumb.

Unexpected.

So from the fall of my last relationship...I can't help but make jokes about myself, as I'm sure others do too. The most common phrase associated is "wow, I sure do know how to pick the winners." So with that, one can tell I'm not too pleased with how things played out with the last guys. So I decided to try something new.


The people who pass the most judgment when it comes to me is Hector and Taylor. My brother, and friend that's like a brother. Always telling me "what are you doing with that guy, you can do so much better" or "wow, he's gay." or "don't date him, you know what he wants." This doesn't make me too happy because they tell me all my choices are wrong. So from now on....well, at least for a while, THEY are picking out my new boyfriends/boys I date. Crazy? yes. However, the upsides to this are that they have really the best intentions in mind for me and if he turns out to be a total loser, than I can blame it all on them! jk, I wouldn't do that, but that is my next plan.

So here is their line up.
Jose, the guy in Hector's band that I occasionally talk to on the internet. Nice boy from what I can tell, but really I don't feel I know him, so yeahhhhh. I feel a date with him would be awkward since we don't like, hang out....ever.

Then Frank. So Frank is actually an exboyfriend's brother. Also a nice guy, and I know him pretty well, but I don't feel we'd be a great couple. Interesting is what I would call it. He's a wonderful friend, and says I'm hot, but yeaaaaaah, still my ex's little brother.

So hector gives it to me like this "Jose will be nice to you and treat you right. Frankie, well, he would treat you right, but with profanities involved like 'hey bitch, get your fine ass over here' so you chose which you would like"

So this is what I did. I told Jose about what was going on and how these two have actually been wanting me to ask him out on a date for about 5 months now...and he said he would hang out with me, and we'll tell everyone it's a date.


Shhhhh, it's a secret.

I win.

only one side of my face is swollen...and my bottom lip.


I can't smile. at all right now because it makes me bleed.
BUTTT, I'm going to have to say, I took it like a bad ass and it doesn't really bother me.

anyway, after coming out of the anesthetics, I was a little loopy. I don't remember walking to my car. I don't remember really talking to anyone except saying, that wasn't so bad. And apparently, every time I saw my dad, I kept pointing to where my IV was. When I got home, I tried to blog about it, BUT fell asleep while trying to get on 4 times, so I went to lay down. When my parents asked me what flavor Ice cream I wanted, Vanilla or Chocolate, I said both. figures.


so for those of you who need to get your wisdom teeth taken out, it isn't so bad.

Tomorrow.

wisdom teeth are getting pulled.


ouchie, right?
well, all I have to say is I'll be sure to tell you how it goes. I've never been put under before. It's going to be weird. I hope I don't feel too bad, since I have work the next day.

Moping around.

What does it accomplish? Nothing. I spent yesterday moping around because my best friend, or so I call him, left me, ditched me, right after we made plans. So what do I do, mope. I laid in bed. I text people. And I listened to sad music.

So i'm here today, wondering...what was that for? I did it all for nothing. It wasn't going to make him sorry. It wasn't going to make me feel any less sad. And it also didn't help me in any way feel like he was any more my "best friend".


siiiiick. I wasted a day, well, night, making things worse, because when my brother gets back from hanging out with my best friend, he goes and hangs out with MY OTHER REALLY GOOD FRIEND....I was just about to text her to ask if she wanted to get deny's, and then that plan crumbles before I can set it.


While moping, I wondered, is this what it's going to be like next year? I'm so isolated because the people who I find to be important to me don't approve of anyone else, so they're all I have, and when they're not feeling like being with me, i have nothing. I hope not. I'm afraid of losing what I have right now, my friendships, however, I don't think the other end feels exactly the same.

I feel unconnected to everyone right now. I need, just as anyone else, a good friend. A solid friend. Or solid friends. A pick me up.

is this why imaginary friends were invented? The only people you find you can depend on are the ones made up in your mind? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. They're exactly what you want and always there when you want them to be.

Origin of imaginary friends? Undependable people.

Senior year.

Yes, it's right around the corner for me. I'm thinking this next year is going to be a little different for me, actually, I know it will be. Here are the facts we are looking at.

1. No Samantha.
2. Cheerleader.
3. Little brother.
4. STUDENT PARKING LOT yikes.
5. Starting over.
6. taking normal kid classes.


Okay, so this is either going to play out to my advantage and help me get awesome, or just fail and make me bitter. I either hear senior year is the best time, or it was the worse time, and I'm really hoping for the best time. And from my understanding, senior year is when you really see peoples true colors.

So I just heard something, a stupid something, and their motive was pretty much "because it's senior year". Believe me, it's not that big of a deal. Just another year of school...and if your schooling ends there, wow, that's not good. So if you're going to say "I'm just going to [insert action here], because it's Senior year, and yeah" think about how this year makes you do something so differently. When I do something, it's because i want to do it, not because i'm at a certain time in my life.

Senior year, here I come. Class of '10, this should be interesting.

Single.

Yeahh...that guy and I, over.


All you need to know is that I experienced yet another thing that makes me feel a little closer to where I want to be at the end of my years.


siiiiiick.

Found.

I had a very hard thinking session about two or three days ago, and really just felt like I knew myself more in that moment than ever before. What I stood for, where I want to go, and what kind of things I want to surround myself with. This is what I got so far.

I'm down for human rights. I'm down for celebrating culture. I'm down for family and close friends. I'm pretty much an honest girl, a sweet girl who sometimes does too much. I care for everyone. I'm quiet to most, and obnoxious to others. I don't have enough respect for myself sometimes and have low self esteem, but when I have these good, deep think times, I see how much I need to improve how I view myself.

My life. I'm dedicating it, just as I have said for a while, to experiencing as much as I can to equip my mind with worthwhile lessons. These lessons will be used so I can be an all around bad ass and understanding person.

Family. I love my family. Friends, they're always there to cheer me up when I'm in a funk. Education, something that I have control over. These are all things that are pretty important in my life. I want to engulf myself in these things, just because I know how much I love it at the end of the day.


It's really clear to me what's going on at this moment, but soon I know I'll lose it again. However, I know it's all worth it to find myself again because it feels really good.

sexuality.

I suppose the sexual orientation of a person is somewhat personal, however, I think that people shouldn't be afraid to be open with the world about it.

I was raised in a very accepting and understanding environment. So naturally, most social factors such as sexual orientation, culture, and gender roles, can be very different from what is considered traditional, and it's all good with me. I enjoy diversity. I enjoy people being different from myself. I enjoy all people. I'm a humanitarian pretty much, and love that fact that there is such things as HUMAN rights, and laws that help protect people to be individuals and celebrate all that composes them.

So just as others don't understand homosexuality, I don't understand not understanding it, or not accepting it, or being prejudice against it. All people deserve the to not have a predetermined, cookie cutter like, perception about them just because of ONE factor that makes them. There are so many different kinds of people out there, how can one say that they will not like a certain person because of ONE thing.

Homosexuality. It is one thing that i think makes our world and social environment GREAT! It changes it up a little bit. Gives you different perspectives. I'm in support of ALL love. I wish there were more people open to this support of different kinds of love. Let's not forget that there was a time when interracial couples weren't accepted. Let's not forget that interracial couples are sometimes STILL not accepted, even in the united states. Let's not forget that DIVORCE was once NOT an option. Let's not forget that there was a time when you couldn't get a decent job when you had a visible tattoo. It's time to wake up to the real world. These are real situations, and weather you accept it or not, weather it goes against tradition or no, their presences is there, it's a driving force, and exists weather you like it or not. It'll be there, and there is no amount anything that should make one feel any hesitation to being who they are, to love whomever they please, and to be able to be open about it.

It is estimated that the world's percentage of homosexuals is somewhere between 5 and 15 percent. That's a lot of people. Let's just say it's roughly the amount of people living in the united states.

I don't think I will ever understand how people can not like homosexuals, be non accepting of them, or attack them in any way. But life goes on. The way I see it, people are just people, you can't help who you fall in love with, and a persons sexual orientation shouldn't have a factor at all when it comes to how you treat them. They're just people wanting to live life how they feel is right, no more special than you or me.

4th of july.

bad for the environment...really bad for it. Bad for OUR economy. But it's SOOOO pretty. Last night, this is what I did for 4th of july.

Stockton. I was headed for the water front, when everyone was going the other direction. I don't know if it was because they were over there, or if they canceled them, but we just followed the crowd...to the ghetto...and saw bunches of illegal fireworks from a ramp. People were bumpin' their gangsta rap tunes from their Cadillac and just shooting off their own. Let me tell you, it was better than I expected. Like, an hour of non-stop fireworks. SIIIICK. i wonder how they got that much money, because I know that it must have been quite expensive, just as anything is, but to privately fund your own fireworks...that's hard. Sooo, I'm thinkin' it wasn't a bad idea to do this.

Oh, I also went to a bbq with family then Hep came over...
=D

Patriotism.

Manteaca, Ca. The place where I currently live. YOU'RE CHEAP AND UNPATRIOTIC! I"M CALLING YOU OUT!

Okay, so if you know me well, I'm not one to be into being super patriotic, because frankly, some of my countries decisions and ignorance doesn't completely satisfy me, especially when you compare it to other countries and their standards. Such as Sweden, or I think it's Sweden. As a standard, they learn 5 languages by the time they're like, 5. Truly amazing.Why isn't the United States, the best country in the world, not living to this standard? I hear people complaining all the time about having to take Spanish in high school to "cater to the immigrants who are too lazy to learn english", when really, since Spanish is a Latin based language, it helps you with your english vocabulary by learning root words and such. I think it should be a standard to learn to sign. However, it's the united states, we're lazy...I get it.

okay, now that I'm done with that side rant, here it comes, my main reason for writing this. Manteca decides to celebrate Independence day, the most important day to American heritage, A DAY EARLY! That's right. Now you may think this is no big deal...but think about it. They did it to save money. There is nothing about that that says "I'm proud to be an American" That says to me, "I'm a celebrated American when I choose it's the right time." Manteca, you're cheap, and celebrating it on a day that is was not intended for makes me wonder...How bad of shape did our get ourselves into that puts money in front of our own heritage? As unpatriotic as it seemed to me, i suppose it's the American way.

Cameron Solis

made his own website...and paid for it.
lol.
CameronSolis.com
sick, right?

lol. So let me tell you about my buddy Cameron. I use to call him Calico...because his hair reminded me of the colorings of a calico cat. I met him at school through my bestie Christoph Norris. Cameron has a funny laugh...it's contagious. it's kinda just a fast breathing from his nose, like he's trying to hold it in. Adorable. He use to eat lunch with me, and we would enjoy student store time, but since he changed schools, we don't do that anymore.


So he owns his name....as a domain....siiiiiiiick.
Let's all learn from this. Something that may seem pointless may actually be pretty coool when you're like, 70 and surfing the web and find things from your past. Plus, he OWNS HIS NAME!
lol. Goodluck with your webpage CALICO! Just wait, it's going to be SIIIICK as soon as he figures out how to work it.

Death.

First off, RIP Michael Jackson. I don't understand how people can not mourn his death. Although he had a rough few years, there is no denying the impact he had on the world around us. Pop culture, American culture, World culture. He was one of the biggest idolized people around, like, ever. Everyone has a memory of him. I'm choosing to remember him for all that he was really for...the king of pop culture. His music is wonderful and that's all that's going to be in my head when i think of him from time to time, since I know it will happen.


Billy Maize...or however you spell his name. He's actually a lot more popular that you think he would me. He was a common topic of conversation at my work. His products and his booming voice will also be remembered.

Last of all, the concept of death. I'm not afraid of it. Not at all. As weird as it sounds, if I knew I was dying, I wouldn't really live too much different. I might want to try more new things, but that's no more special that what I"m doing now, which is the same. Death comes, it's the inevitable, and I'm okay with that. i've accepted it. I don't understand people being afraid of death. It's going to come weather you like it of not. Maybe i"m just weird, but death doesn't bother me.

I look sad.

for the past week, a great deal of people have been saying how sad I look.
Two days ago, at work, a statement was mad saying it seemed like I was going to cry. Weird.
I feel weird, but not sad. And don't feel like crying.

I think I'm really tired lately. Overwhelmed. Not enough time to do things I want to do.
SOOOON, I'll do stuff for me. I'm just waiting. I don't know for what, but i"m waiting.

So a combo of the two makes me feel like i'm getting sad. lol. It's stupid. I want things to get bitchin.

LET'S GET BITCHIN'

In a perfect world...

Is it possible to like someone, but have sort of a "what if" person there too?
Like, "if this person was down, I'd totally drop everything to be their other half!"
I wonder because sometimes it's an impossible thing for someone to be there for you again. People move away, fall in love with other people, go through complications, have obligations, so on and so on...whatever the case may be, that person may not always be available to you. But the "what if" thing will be there. So is that wrong? To like someone but then have someone that you will always wonder "what if things were perfect and we...(insert desire here)" and have a special part in your heart reserved for them? And I don't mean celebrities...I mean real people such as your first love or the person you fell the hardest for, or the person you lost it to, just a in general special person...almost like a dream person.

what about in love? Can you be in love but always have that person you would want to be with if the situation were possible? Would that even be love if you had someone else you wish you could be with?

So my take on it is if you just like someone, you may have someone that you will always want to drop everything for if the situation came up...but not in love. If you're in love, you shouldn't dream of being with other people, because that's not being "in love" with someone.

maybe I'm just making "being in love" out to be something more than it is. I really wouldn't know the power of it since I've never been in love...but I think it should be something powerful like that.

like like like.

I love when someone asks if you like someone. And you tell them how you like them indicated by the number of times you say like. they ask "Do you like them, or Like Like Like them?" makes me laugh.


Why do we like the people we do. More importantly, why did we like the people we DID like before? What made us change our minds? weird.

what's more weird is wondering why people like/did like you. Like Like Like you. What makes now different from then? What if they will always like you? What if you will always like them?

life goes on. Broken hearts continue to crack. People continue to ponder these questions.
I don't want to. I'm wanting to be free from this. I want to JUST LIVE...however am incapable.